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Tetanus-washed, Willy Wonka-inspired, gravity-fed whiplash contraptions with a focus on projectile vomiting for all ages and—of course—light sexual experimentation for your teens.

“There was a time when clowns dominated the early childhood entertainment scene with their big noses, wildly colored hair, and patchwork suits. But I think that time has passed, and maybe the world agrees with me.”—Kyle von Hoetzendorff

“One of the worse theme park in Victoria the customer service is awful,staff is very immature don’t no how to deal with young kids. Rides are not safe you never know when it will pull a part. Make sure you have taken a life insurance before jumping on to the rides. I won’t be taking my kids back there. At last,tickets are over priced….! Disappointed disappointed disappointed”—Ricky Kaher

Luna Park – Important Information

  1. Websitehttp://lunapark.com.au/
  2. Address: 18 Lower Esplanade, St Kilda VIC 3182, Australia
  3. Phone Number: +61 03 9525 5033
  4. Email: n/a
  5. Hours of OperationIt’s Complicated
  6. Price: $$
  7. Key Words: Sorcery, Childhood Trauma, Anti-Gravity

Drawing its rejuvenating water from the harbor-tainted sea water just offshore, the St. Kilda Sea Baths heat that water up to a comfortably warm temperature, allowing you to play in the ocean without the fear of catching pneumonia or getting attacked by a tiger shark.

“We were pretty excited to get into these pools, and they didn’t disappoint. After a long week on the bike it was great to just bob around in the warm water, safe from roving tiger sharks and errant speed boats. What I wasn’t expecting was the amount of heavy petting that was cracking off in these very public pools. Needless to say, don’t put your head below the water unless you want to take something back to the States that you’ll have a hard time explaining.”—Kyle von Hoetzendorff

“Chillin all the way back!”—Kevin Korando

“I love this place and I’ve only been twice. I like to progress from pool to hydro spa to steam room, and a little time in the bay just outside is the ‘I am alive’ element to top it off. Bright environment with friendly fellow bathers.”—Mary Hughes

St Kilda Sea Baths – Important Information

  1. Websitehttp://www.stkildaseabaths.com.au/
  2. Address: 10/18 Jacka Blvd, St Kilda VIC 3182, Australia
  3. Phone Number: +61 3 9593 8228
  4. Email: n/a
  5. Hours of Operation: Mon/Thur 5am -11pm, Fri 5am -10pm, Sat/Sun 7am-8pm
  6. Price: $
  7. Key Words: Relaxing, Voyeuristic, Salty

The sea provides, and when it’s done providing we’re done for the night. We’re going to have an amazing selection of food, just make sure you get here before everyone else does or that amazing selection of food is going to be long gone. Just like our oceans’ natural resources.

“Admittedly we didn’t get seated until late but we thought hey, this is Melbourne, this is a happening city, an eater’s city, a culinary city, surely there will be food enough to go around? As it turned out Claypots runs a hardcore first-come first-serve and let’s-do-our-best-to-sell-out-of-everything program. Well, that night they did a great job because ordering was a bit like getting last year’s Advent calendar on the first day of December. Nothing was available. Fortunately, the kitchen was able to scrape something together and the food we wound up with was truly delicious. Next time I’m back in Melbourne I’ll be sure to set up camp in front of Claypots so I won’t miss a thing.”—Kyle von Hoetzendorff

“Great place, Wish they would have their bands listed so you know what’s on.”—Geoff Whitelaw

Claypots Seafood

  1. Websitehttp://claypots.com.au/
  2. Address: 213 Barkly St, St Kilda VIC 3182, Australia
  3. Phone Number: +61 3 9534 1282
  4. Email: n/a
  5. Hours of Operation: 12:00 pm – 1:00 am | Email: n/a
  6. Price: $$$$
  7. Key Words: Clay Pots, Giant Prawns, Challenging Process
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