- Purchased the latest issue of Monster Children from a newsagent in Byron Bay, New South Wales. Byron Bay is cool I guess if you like hot girls with tan thighs in short jean shorts, loose-fitting tank tops, expensive looking sunglasses and floppy felt hats like from the 70s, and who ride longboards causally & aimlessly around town for hours on end as though the local business association pays them to do so, because—and I’m just guessing here—they’re a performance art-type tourist attraction designed to complement/strategically augment the beach and the lighthouse and various other seaside whatnots in an effort to encourage tourism. And if you like dudes that can surf better than you.
- Speaking of the lighthouse, it’s on a hill which hill is the easternmost point in Australia.
- Rent a garage in a patch of jungle meters from the beach. Eat breakfast at the Top Spot, sunbathe, eat dinner at the Roadhouse. Stalk wallabies at dusk. Read George Saunders’s Braindead Megaphone principally for the short story about Dubai titled “The New Mecca.”
- Make a big mistake and leave Byron Bay for Noosa, Queensland, Australia.
- Hike four hours around Noosa National Park from Sunshine Beach, Devil’s Kitchen, Alexandria Bay, Hell’s Gates, Granite Bay, Dolphin Point, Tea Tree Bay, Boiling Pot to Laguna Bay, in broad daylight, in the sun, in a tank top.
- Side Note: Alexandria Bay is a nude beach even though the Noosa National Park Coastal Track passes right through the middle of it. Which, presumably, is why we saw a bloke in a crocodile skin Akubra and bright white off-brand trainers, period. Immediately after nodding hello in passing to the beforementioned bloke, I started to sing—true story!—Phil Collins’ “Against All Odds”.
- Suffer the single worst sunburn experience of my adult life since childhood.
- Find a six-to-seven-foot spotted python curled around the the railing on the porch near the front door of our vacation rental.
- Fly to Dubai on an Airbus A380. Though it’s shaped like a jet plane the Airbus A380 is a (secret) Government Space Station Beta Test Program, or GSBTP. If you look it up on the internet the internet will say something (it’s a cover) like: “The Airbus A380 is a double-deck, wide-body, four-engine jet airliner manufactured by Airbus. It is the world’s largest passenger airliner; many airports have upgraded their facilities to accommodate the A380’s size.” And you might read first-person accounts (testimonials really) like this one for example: “Normally I hate flying so much that I have to take Xanax—it’s actually alprazolam but nobody knows what that is and it’s hard to pronounce. Anyway, sometimes I take one, sometimes I take two, it all depends on how terrified I am and how long the flight is. But the A380 has so much to offer its 525 passengers! We’re talking over 500 movies not counting TV shows and various other video entertainments, high speed wireless internet, unbridled/unlimited/unfettered use of your mobile phone and your mobile phone’s many features (in the sky!, during the flight!), personal seat-mounted electrical outlets that can accommodate every single variety of plug ever made regardless of country of origin, and woodgrain toilet seats. There is so much to do and so many ways to do it in an A380 that it’s mind-blowing/boggling. And but I kept falling asleep because I was high and it was an overnight flight. But I didn’t want to!, but I couldn’t help it! Towards the end of the 14+ hour long flight—there are a number of ways to track your flight’s progress, from maps available in eight different languages to various cameras mounted to the outside of the plane which cameras stream real-time, live video of the world below—when I knew we were getting close and it was really coming down to the wire, I found myself fighting to stay awake. To no avail! I slept through, aka wasted and squandered, so much entertainment, comfort and modern technologically literally built into my fully reclinable chair, it’s sickening to think about. It’s like staying in a fancy hotel in Vegas, say the Bellagio for example, and getting an upgrade to a penthouse suite for some reason you don’t understand but you don’t need to understand because it’s a penthouse suite and it’s a free upgrade and so who cares, and but you’re there alone and you don’t do coke and/or hookers but you do have to work the whole time, and at any rate you try over the course of the 48 hours that you’re there to use all of the flat screen TVs and jacuzzi’s in your suite’s many rooms and chambers but you simply don’t have the time, and so for years and years and years you regret being the wrong person in the right place, or being in the right place at the wrong time, or whatever.”
Cyclocross Nationals 2014 Playlist
by Evan Murphy