Tour de San Luis: Día Siete

Length: 122.4km KOMs: Alto los Puquios, Cat 3 (17.5km) Sprints: El Durazno (23.8km), El Durazno (91.8km) Weather: It was 44 degrees Celsius at the start, according to Serge’s Garmin. Accommodations: Hotel Huarpes Rooms 128 & 132

ALERT: IT’S 7:43PM AND GEORGE MICHAEL’S “CARELESS WHISPER” IS PLAYING IN THE VISTA SUITES SPA & GOLF DINING AREA. 🎷🎷🎷

Objectives: Avoid itching, rash, dehydration, fever, lupus, melanoma, nausea and vomiting, eczema, cancer, vitiligo, macular degeneration, freckles, keratosis pilaris, shock, cataracts, actinic keratosis, heat stroke, lymphedema, heat exhaustion, cramps, wrinkles and burn related to the bright bright bright bright-ass sun. Take a Game Changing photograph featuring Pippo Pozzato and Luca Paolini.

ALERT: IT’S 7:59PM AND JEFFERSON STARSHIP’S “SARA” IS PLAYING IN THE VISTA SUITES SPA & GOLF DINING AREA.

Mission Outcome: MFS accomplished one of our two objectives. Manual for Speed will announce which one on Wednesday, January 28th, 2015 at 11:00am EST.

Today’s High Point: See Mission Outcome.

Today’s Other High Point: Accidentally discovering Balneario La Hoya en El Volcan: Southern Recreation

ALERT: IT’S 8:07PM AND LIONEL RICHIE’S “SAY YOU SAY ME” IS PLAYING IN THE VISTA SUITES SPA & GOLF DINING AREA.

ALERT: IT’S 8:24PM AND A-HA’S “CRYING IN THE RAIN” IS PLAYING IN THE VISTA SUITES SPA & GOLF DINING AREA.

The 2015 Tour de San Luis is almost all the way over. The only thing left is an invite-only dinner party at Potrero de los Funes¹ in a Hotel Casino in the middle of a semi-permanent motorsport race course next to a lake in a valley surrounded by mountains, creeks, streams and waterfalls—known by some as the natural paradise of the province of San Luis in Argentina—tonight at 10:30 PM. It’s almost dark. Racers, media, and the San Luis Organization Illuminati, are one-by-one making their way downstairs into the hotel lobby and dining area. The vibe is def decked-out, from formal bandeau tops and designer platform slides to un-suspended suspenders and Hard-Popped collars. And cologne, so much cologne. Everyone is going. Even the people that weren’t going are going on a account of the fact that San Luis Airport ran out of gas and subsequently cancelled flights. That is, everyone is going if they can find an invite. We heard there was going to be a band and a video and shrimp cocktails, so we scored ours earlier this morning. Also, with any luck Mark Cavendish would Teach Us How To Dougie.

So this is it, this is the last time MFS is going to spend seven (or more) hours in the VSSAG dining room area downloading images and translating San Luis Swimming Hole websites. No more working on a table covered in empty cortado cups, water bottles, and tostado plates. We’re basically one la cuenta away from wrapping up the tangled mess of adapters that are plugged into splitters that are plugged into adapters that are plugged into every available electrical outlet within 25 feet of the Manual for Speed movie set.

ALERT: IT’S 8:36PM AND BOB MARLEY’S “I WANNA LOVE YOU” IS PLAYING IN THE VISTA SUITES SPA & GOLF DINING AREA.

And how better to say goodby to the town and tour of San Luis than to spend our final minutes of the Grand Spectacle watching—through the wall-to-wall window of the dining area, as if on display for our enjoyment—one of those soft-sided 18-wheelers get packed (in some circles, like farming for example, this style of packing is called “pitching”) with ALL of the races bikes. Apparently it’s driving to Buenos Aires through the night, where it will reunite with the Teams, provided it remains unmolested by Land Pirates over the course of it’s dark, rural, 800 kilometer drive.

SEVEN FUN FACTS AND THREE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE TOUR DE SAN LUIS BICYCLE INVENTORY:

23 Teams
6 Road Bikes
6 Time Trial Bikes
3 Spare Bikes
15 Total Bikes Per Team
$10,000 Retail Cost Per Bike
Total Retail Value: $3,450,00.00

How difficult is fencing 345 bikes?

What’s the actual street value versus retail or market value?

Do Land Pirates exist?

Pre-Race Garmindale Yerba Mate Session!!!

BASIC YERBA MATE INSTRUCTIONS: (1) OBTAIN A GOURD AND BOMBILLA (THE METAL STRAW). WITH NEW GOURDS, CURING IS RECOMMENDED: FILL WITH BOILING WATER FOR 10 MINUTES, THEN SOFTLY SCRAPE THE INTERIOR WALLS UNDER RUNNING WATER—LEAVE THE STEM IN THE CENTER. LET SIT IN THE SUN FOR 24-48 HOURS. (2) PACK YOUR GOURD APPROXIMATELY HALF-FULL OF MATE. (3) COVER THE GOURD WITH YOUR PALM, AND TURNING IT UPSIDE DOWN, FLICK YOUR WRIST SEVERAL TIMES TO SIFT THE MATE. (4) HOLDING THE GOURD ALMOST PARALLEL WITH THE GROUND, SHAKE IT BACK AND FORTH TO BRING THE LARGER LEAVES TO THE TOP. (5) GOURD ON THE TABLE, INSERT YOUR BOMBILLA. THE MATE SHOULD STILL BE CLUMPED TO ONE SIDE OF THE GOURD (FROM TURNING IT SIDEWAYS IN STEP FOUR)—PUT THE BOMBILLA IN THE EMPTY SPACE, AWAY FROM THE MATE. (6) FILL THE GOURD WITH HOT WATER AROUND 170°F/75°C, NO BOILING WATER!!! (7) WITHOUT MOVING THE BOMBILLA, FINISH THE MATE BEFORE PASSING THE GOURD.

SIDE NOTE: AS PER AN AGREEMENT MADE EARLY LAST WEEK, AFTER OUR MATE SESH, MANUAL FOR SPEED GAVE BEN KING THE YERBA MATE "KIT" AS A GIFT FOR FUTURE USE. TO THAT POINT, LATER THAT DAY BEN KING TEXTED US THIS COMMENT ABOUT HIS NEW YERBA MATE KIT: "I'M GOING TO PASS THE BOMBILLA ON THE REG."

“IT'S REAL NICE, IT TASTES REALLY HEALTHY."—BEN KING

“VERY GRASSY TASTING. IT TASTES LIKE IT LOOKS, LAWN MOWER CLIPPINGS. I THINK IT WOULD BE NICE WITH SOME HONEY DRIZZLED INTO IT. WOW, THE BOTTOM IS A HEAVY HIT.”—JOE DOMBROWSKI

"NO, I'M NOT DRINKING WITH YOU GUYS. I'VE HAD IT BEFORE, IT'S LIKE LICKING A GARDEN."—TED KING

SAN LUIS: START

LAURA MESEGUER AND TWO COLOMBIANS.

BEN KING IS PICTURED HERE DEMONSTRATING THE MACARENA WHICH, DUE TO A VERY LOUD CAR STEREO, WAS THE CURRENT AMBIENT/ENVIRONMENTAL/BASELINE NOISE AT THE ETAPA 7 START LINE.

“OK, SO YOU GO STRAIGHT, THEN YOU TURN RIGHT AT THE DETOUR, THEN TAKE YOUR FIRST LEFT, AND THEN YOU KEEP GOING. THE START LINE WILL BE RIGHT THERE.”

IN AMERICA, WE WOULD CALL GUILLAUME VAN KEIRSBULCK A "LINEBACKER." WIKIPEDIA LISTS HIM AT 6'4" 187 POUNDS, BUT BASED ON VISUAL AND GRAVITATIONAL ESTIMATES MADE AT THE TOUR DE SAN LUIS, MFS PUTS HIS WEIGHT AT WELL NORTH OF 200.

EXCUSE ME BUD, THIS PHOTO ISN'T ABOUT YOU, YOU'RE GREAT, BUT YOU AREN'T THOMAS VOECKLER.

"HEY! MOVE OUT OF THE SHOT!!!"

TIM DE WAELE. #MECHANISM

CARLOS ALZATE IS AN MFS-VERIFIED #CHILLER.

#EBONY + #IVORY

#BARRICADEBARKS

IN THIS SHOT WE CAN SEE SOME OF THE PHYSICAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN A LARGE LATINAMERICAN AND A SMALL LATINAMERICAN. RESEARCHERS FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF BUENOS AIRES CONDUCTED A LONG-TERM STUDY OVER FOUR YEARS IN THE EARLY NINETIES AND CONCLUDED THAT THE PRINCIPAL DIFFERENCE WAS THEIR SIZE, THAT LARGE LATINAMERICANS ARE TYPICALLY BIGGER THAN SMALL LATINAMERICANS. THERE WAS NO STATISTICALLY SIGNIFICANT DIFFERENCE IN THEIR PROPENSITY TO CONSUME HACUS AND BUY GASOLINE/PETROL AT NIGHT.

THIS IS THE LEADING CANDIDATE FOR THE 2015 MFS BEST IPAD OF THE YEAR.

JOHNS HOPKINS UNIVERSITY RESEARCHERS CONDUCTED A STUDY WHICH SUPPORTS THE IDEA THAT HEARTBURN IN PREGNANT MOTHERS IS CORRELATED WITH ABOVE-AVERAGE AMOUNTS OF BABY HAIR.

466,796 FORD FALCONS WERE PRODUCED FOR THE ARGENTINA MARKET DURING ITS LIFESPAN OF 1962 TO 1991.

THREE TWITTER GEOLOGISTS (HOLLER @THEMIGHTYMIMI, @JIMINYCX, @ANAISNINJA) ALL AGREE THAT THE PICTURED ROCK IS MOST LIKELY GNEISS, ONE OF THE PRINCIPAL METAMORPHIC ROCKS FOUND ON EARTH. AS WE ALL KNOW, GNEISS IS USUALLY MEDIUM- TO COARSE-FOLIATED AND IS LARGELY RECRYSTALLIZED BUT DOES NOT CARRY LARGE QUANTITIES OF MICAS, CHLORITE OR OTHER PLATY MINERALS.

WE WERE INTERVIEWED BY RADIO FAMILIA FM 101.5, VILLA MERCEDES.

#MULTIMEDIA

REMEMBER EARLIER WHEN MFS SUGGESTED THAT THE EGYPTIANS BUILT THE ROBERT SMITHSON WALLS, AND YOU GUYS ALL PROBABLY LAUGHED AND SMIRKED AND THOUGHT "GOSH, MFS THINKS THE EGYPTIANS WERE IN ARGENTINA? WHAT A BUNCH OF DUMMIES." WELL THINK AGAIN, BUSTER, CAUSE LOOK WHAT MFS FOUND. THAT RIGHT THERE IS AN OBELISK, AND WHEN YOU GOOGLE "OBELISK" THE TOP RESULT IS WIKIPEDIA AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW?, THE FIRST LINE ON THAT GOOGLE RESULT IS "OBELISKS WERE PROMINENT IN THE ARCHITECTURE OF THE ANCIENT EGYPTIANS, WHO PLACED THEM IN PAIRS AT THE ENTRANCE OF TEMPLES."

2015 TOUR DE SAN LUIS CHAMPION: BEST DRESSED CATEGORY

"MOVETE TURRA!!" (“MOVE IT BITCH!”—EMILIANO TRANSLATE) #PATRIARCHY

TWO ARGENTINE #WINNERS IN ONE PHOTO.

GRACIAS, POLICÍA.

"BOTELLA!!!!" "BOTELLA!!!!" "BOTELLA!!!!" "BOTELLA!!!!" "BOTELLA!!!!" "BOTELLA!!!!" "BOTELLA!!!!" "BOTELLA!!!!" "BOTELLA!!!!" "BOTELLA!!!!"

"WAIT, IT'S NOT GETTING ANY BETTER."—NATE BROWN

BYE

Bonus Fan Club Supplement: Kiel Reijnen, Ambassador of Good Will and Good Looks

"NO, TAKE ANOTHER, YOU HAVE TO POINT AT THE FEATHER."

OUR LADY OF LUJÁN IS ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR IMAGES OF THE VIRGIN MARY IN SOUTH AMERICA, DATING BACK TO THE 16TH CENTURY. AMONG THE POPES WHO HAVE HONORED OUR LADY OF LUJÁN ARE CLEMENT XI, CLEMENT XIV, PIUS VI, PIUS IX, LEO XIII, PIUS XI, PIUS XII, AND JOHN PAUL II.

FOR MORE INFORMATION ON KIEL REIJNEN, AOGWAGL, PLEASE VISIT OUR INITIAL FAN CLUB INTERVIEW.

A Brief Typology of Improvised Shade Devices

FIG. 2: CARDBOARD BOX FOUND ON THE STREET. IN CONTRAST TO THE CUSTOM HOMEMADE FAN BANNER, A CARDBOARD BOX OFFERS LESS COVERAGE AND BAREBONES AESTHETICS. THAT SAID, IT'S LOW-COST AND USING ONE HELPS FIGHT AGAINST LITTER.

FIG. 1: CUSTOM HOMEMADE FAN BANNER. DEVOUT CYCLING FANS WILL FIND THEMSELVES ADEQUATELY PREPARED FOR SITUATIONS REQUIRING SHADE WITHOUT ANY ADDITIONAL EFFORT REQUIRED, GIVEN THAT LIGHTWEIGHT, FLEXIBLE BANNERS ARE QUITE SUITABLE ISDS, GIVEN THEIR ADAPTABILITY TO VARIOUS SITUATIONS. CUSTOM AESTHETICS TAILORED TO THE DAY'S RACE ARE AN ADDED BONUS.

FIG. 3: CUSTOM FAN CARDBOARD BOX. MIXING THE LOW-EFFORT, LOW-COST BENEFITS OF THE CARDBOARD BOX AND THE CUSTOM AESTHETIC OF THE CUSTOM HOMEMADE FAN BANNER, THE CUSTOM FAN CARDBOARD BOX IS A HYBRID SOLUTION GROWING IN POPULARITY.