Results for

In Australia They Speak English

Click to view whole series

My point is that we should’ve been able to figure out the train schedule.

Start – Finish: Bowral – Moss Vale

Distance: 7.12 miles

Elevation Gain: 291 Feet

Riding Time: 0:57:23

Time Awake Spent in Pursuit of The Trip, Roughly: 6:00:00

Weather: Cloudy in the morning, but it got really pleasant by the afternoon, but then it got misty. Moss Vale is a sensible name.

Day 03 Objects & Points of Interest

  1. Take a train from Bowral to Yass Junction.
  2. Continue our ride.

A Brief Timeline of our Multi-Modal Journey from Bowral to Moss Vale

  1. 9:00am: Up and ready to catch the 10:00am train leaving Bowral for Yass Junction.
  2. 10:00am: Discover that the 10:00am train doesn’t leave from Bowral. The station is basically a ghost town, and the ghosts whispered, “You are fools.”
  3. 10:15am: Discover there is a train leaving from Moss Vale for Canberra around 2pm.
  4. 10:20am: Figure that if we can get to Canberra we can adjust our route accordingly and get back on track.
  5. 10:53am: We have breakfast at the No. 325 Cafe, where they don’t serve butter with your toast. Dry as the Sahara in a sun storm.
  6. 11:45am: Take off towards Moss Vale.
  7. 11:57am: See a sign for the Bowral Velodrome.
  8. 11:59am: Arrive at the Bowral Velodrome and proceed to utterly destroy some young up-and-comers on the track.
  9. 12:45pm: Reach the Moss Vale train station.
  10. 12:46pm: Find out that the tickets for the train we needed to catch have just sold out. (See destroying up-and-comers at the Bowral Velodrome.)
  11. 12:48pm: Buy tickets for the 10:00am train to Yass Junction that leaves from Moss Vale the following morning.
  12. 1:26pm: Head to Bernie’s Diner to enjoy a 1950s Americana meal experience. Just what we needed after two failed attempts to get on a train.
  13. 1:26pm – 2:05pm: Get into a flip-off fight with a family of blonde mulleted lady badgers. Or rather, have a fight picked with us. We just looked up from our burgers and fries and there, across the street, was a pack of these critters miming intercourse in our direction. From what we can tell we didn’t do anything wrong outside of being three-quarters American and riding bikes. I guess that could constitute grounds for profane body gesticulations, but if that’s the case, frankly we’re surprised it didn’t happen much more often throughout our trip.
  14. 1:45pm: Lachlan wonders aloud if one of these badgers is going to grab a machete. To which Franks remarks, “A machete is basically a knife-bat.” Somehow this makes our situation a bit more unsettling.
  15. 2:06pm: The horde of mulleted lady badgers pack into their ute and speed off. Our group believes this was only a warning, and we push our security level to Code Orange for the remainder of our time in Moss Vale.
  16. 2:15pm: Find a couple of rooms in the Bong Bong Motel. Turns out the owner had a daughter who spent a year of high school studying abroad in Portland, OR, Yonder Journal’s home base. Kinda cool, but just because we had something to share didn’t mean we got any kind of discount.
  17. 2:35pm: The sun comes out for the first time in 48 hours.
  18. 2:36pm: We set our clothes out on plastic lawn chairs and miscellaneous yard ornaments to dry.
  19. 2:45pm: “The Cricket” is on. A test match between Australia and New Zealand. When the camera pans to the crowd it’s pretty obvious that the majority of them are heavily pissed up. Which is to be expected when the matches go on for hours and all you’re doing is sitting in the sun drinking.
  20. 3:51pm: The sun once again takes a vacation behind some dark and heavy clouds.
  21. 4:53pm: Our crew takes a stroll through the town of Moss Vale looking for dinner.
  22. 5:10pm: We decide on Tooses Wine Bar & Lounge, but we get spooked by the vacant-eyed waiter and the model home decor. In order to not raise any suspicion we order appetizers—remember we are still in Code Orange.
  23. 5:15pm: It starts to rain.
  24. 6:37pm: While walking in the rain back to the Bong Bong, we stop in to the Moss Vale Hotel (this is one of those hotels without hotel rooms) for a round of parmis and fries.
  25. 7:45pm: Turns out that Bowral is where all the action happens. Moss Vale is dead dead dead. The only sound audible in the town is the slight rasping of needle and thread as the population collectively works on a community quilt.
  26. 8:30pm to Z:ZZ: Nacho Libre is on. Hey, this movie is FUNNY. We know that collectively we may be tired of Jack Black, we’re with you. But Nacho Libre is so GOOD.

Communication is a KEY component to an effective and efficient investigation of a culture. In order to 1) understand what people are saying, 2) fit in, 3) keep your foot out of your mouth [You won’t make the mistake of telling your wife you’re looking forward to sharing a coupla sluzzas with friends after dinner because you assumed a sluzza was a mixed ice drink not unlike a blended margarita.], and 4) demonstrate respect via a willingness and excitement to learn, Yonder Journal collaborated with a team of Australian Linguists and Cultural Anthropologists to create an interactive glossary module of common expressions. Especially those which we’d be likely to hear and/or use in the context of a Normcore Bicycle Tour in the Australian In-and-Outback.

KOOKED IT: behaving crazily or making stupid mistakes in a funny, mostly harmless manner.

SEPPO: derogatory term meaning American, coming from Cockney rhyming slang; American Yank, Septic Tank.

ARVO: afternoon.

Missing Trains in Bowral

We missed the Tulip Time festival just like we missed our train. Thanks Bowral, this is all your fault.
Empty ute store.
Empty road.
Empty town. Not sure who these cars belong to. This town is empty, desolate, and unforgiving like the desert, or the sea, or just a huge slab of granite.
Easy there Robin Hood, you’ve already robbed us of our train ride. Now you’re trying to rob us of our well-earned dollars with a fancy advertisement for your fancy stores? Well we’re not buying… at least not all of it. Maybe we bought some breakfast snacks, and maybe we bought a full blown breakfast, and maybe we even thought about buying tickets to see James Bond in Spectre, but we got a hold of ourselves. And we’re happy we did because that movie is just not good. There’s absolutely no tension and the plot plods along like a tractor in the mud. It’s also not fun. Sorry Daniel Craig, you were a good Bond and you were saddled with this POS as your last hurrah.
Yeah, nope. Not going to happen.
Kyle: “Hey these crumpets are real great, this jam, ummm soooooo good.” Lachlan: “Ah shit, I think we’re fucked here mates, like proper fucked.”
“Yep, were proper fucked.” Hey Lachlan, at least you’ve got yellow going for you!
Did you know that the term 'trainspotting' in contemporary culture is a reference to electronic music aficionados who are on the look out for hit tracks? As in, the train is a hit track yet to blow-up, and you’re there watching the train come down the track like a meteorite on rails. And you know the party is going to light up when it hits. Well, I can tell you there were no hit tracks coming down the line today, it may as well have been muzak on the tracks.
Goddamn this town is desolate.

Velodrome Domination

In Australia they speak English. Sure it has its accent and colloquialisms but on paper it’s English. Kinda like how rock bands from all over the world, when singing in English, sound all sound like they’re from Fresno, CA. [Is this yet another flagrant example of our ethnocentrism? So what if it is?] My point is that we should’ve been able to figure out the train schedule. It’s a train schedule, not advanced Game Theory, at least that’s what we thought. But we couldn’t, and in true blue do-or-die, all-or-nothing, give-it-one-hundred-and-ten-percent style we went whole hog and missed not one but two trains. Still, we were able to destroy some juniors in a bout of velodrome racing, and almost got into a fight with a horde of feral sheilas.

Obviously an experienced Six Day racer, Franks performs the famed Danish drop in Corner #3, perhaps the most dangerous corner in the velodrome. And the dude makes it look easy.
To be competitive in this day and age, athletes must start young and their coaches must enforce a rigorous schedule. Coaches must be ever vigilant and must never allow themselves a lapse of judgement—a single mistake can alter an entire career. And that’s not how you win gold medals.
In order to perform at the highest level, one must utilize the best equipment. Even at a young age, having access to pro-caliber resources is essential. You want gold, you have to spend some gold.
Try as she might, this pipsqueak just didn’t have what it takes to outsmart the old man. This is match sprint racing, ladies and gentlemen. In the end Kyle was able to pip young Madeleine at the line. But a sea change is coming folks, and Kyle’s days of taking pink slips are surely numbered.
Dad: “ My little girl is a ripper, she’s about to tear the legs off your boy there.” Lachlan: “She’s four, mate.”
Victory Parade!
Analog allowances in full flight under an overpass.
We found out that showing up early to the Strongman tryouts doesn’t guarantee you a spot in the tent.

Bangin’ Rays @ The Bong Bong

God, can you imagine what this place would look like if String Cheese Incident toured through Moss Vale?
A pro with tight hips. So natural. So in control.
An amateur with tight hips. So forced. So contrived.
Some people just know how to live.
Hey Jeremy, check it out, a pair of your socks!!!
next     next     next     next     next     next     next     next     next     next     next     next     next     next     next      next     next     next     next     next     next     next     next     next     next     next     next     next     next     next