As we started to climb Daniel casually mentioned to Patrick that he’d had a couple handfuls of cashews before we took off, “Hey Patrick, I had a couple handfuls of cashews before we left this morning.” “Cool,” said Patrick, “the cashew is a fine nut, but it’s no pistachio, I’d probably rank the cashew as the 7th best nut.” Patrick @ultratradition “Coach” Newell knows a thing or two about nuts. Heck they’re part of his daily dietary intake and as such he’s worked out a definitive nut hierarchy based on pseudoscience, real science, speculation, aesthetics, and taste. We’re excited to share them with you here.22The opinions expressed here are the views of the author and do not reflect the views and opinions of Yonder Journal, unless you agree with these views, in which case Yonder Journal completely embraces them.
PISTACHIO: This is an adult nut, made to be eaten by adults. It requires dexterity, finger strength and guile in order to obtain it’s rich concentration of copper, manganese and vitamin B6. It also has a certain shade of green named after it which I find stimulating.
COCONUT: technically classified as a “dry drupe fruit”, a term which makes me so limp thinking about it I have to remember how ideal coconut oil is in just about every situation from chain lube to sexual lube to popping corn.
PECAN: Plenty of oleic acid in these guys which is the same fatty acid present in olive oil, making this nut high in machismo levels.
HAZELNUT/FILBERT: Known as filberts in Oregon, I once spent the first night of a soggy three-week bike tour camped in an idyllic filbert farm only to awake in mud well over a foot deep. I think my bivy wore that mud til its demise this past summer after eight years of service—unheard of longevity for a piece of lightweight gear. Maybe you should just eat filbert mud and live to 100.
ALMOND: You know they’re good in everything. As with almost every nut, you wanna sprout it first by soaking ’em overnight in warm water with a dash of himalayan salt. This makes absorption of all the nutrients much easier and more complete upon consumption.
WALNUT: the organic variety are cheaper than some of the nuts listed above, and they are nutritionally speaking very similar. Taste wise, a little blander, but I use ’em in smoothies so it doesn’t matter.
CASHEW: fajjkk these things are creamy when blended and taste better than just about everything else. They are on here for pure taste though, cuz nutritionally they are not that impressive. Use sparingly.
MACADAMIA: one of the best tree nuts out there, I don’t really like ’em too much, but they are supposedly a useful supplement for minerals most Americans are lacking in their Mickey-D diets.
BRAZIL: Selenium, selenium, selenium. This nut has the highest levels of this vital nutrient of any nut on the list. Whatdya need this for? I dunno, but it sounds like something the T-1000 was made outta and he fucked Arnold up pretty good in T2 Judgement day.
ULTRADAMIA: The result of 10 years of GMO research, this nut is the revolutionary confluence of the Coconut A137 gene with a Colombian Puma gene C33.