TWENTY & EIGHT™ QUESTIONS WITH LACHLAN MORTON
Why did you stop racing motorcycles?
I never raced, I rode a lot. I used to go on moto trips to Dunedoo with a school mate, just camping and riding all day. I miss that. When I got more serious with cycling that pretty much took over everything else I was doing. I got out on a dirt bike about a year ago on the north shore beach in Port Macquarie, though. Still got it.
Before you quit, how much clothing with the Fox logo did you own?
Fox was the shit! I had Fox everything: helmet, gloves, body armor… but the pants! The pants were the best.
Do you agree with Trip Advisor’s assessment that the seventh-best thing to do in your hometown of Port Macquarie is to visit Ricardoes Tomatoes and U-Pick Strawberry Farm?
Sure, its up there. Its a cool little spot out of town. The coffee is good. It wouldn’t make my personal top ten, but for the town, sure.
What’s your take on the controversial removal of fig trees to make room for a new apartment complex on the Town Green in Port Macquarie?
Ha, well I don’t know much about the new plans but my dad had a lot to do with the initial development of Town Green. He worked on the council at the time and it was massively controversial. Now everyone loves it. The fig trees down there are beautiful but the town is growing, businesses love the tourists, tourists need places to stay.
Wu-Tang Clan referred to Staten Island as Shaolin, Drake (and no one else on this planet) refers to Toronto as “The 6”, Snoop often talked about LBC. What do rappers from Port Macquarie call Port Macquarie? We think it’s probably P- Mac, but wanted to ask a reliable source.
Yeah, its P-mac or just Port. And the Macquarie hotel is the “Macca.”
Tell us about driving to Vegas and seeing Wiz Khalifa.
Rachel and I drove from Denver to LA and hit Vegas as a last-minute decision on the way back from Palm Springs. She was asleep and I had the Fear and Loathing audiobook on. As we were about to pass by I pulled in and she woke up in the valet at Caesars. We were feeling pretty boss. We looked up what shows were on and Wiz was playing. We got tickets, went to Margaritaville, got wasted and went to the show. It was unreal. Thirty dudes on stage, gin poured on the crowd etc. I’d go again
Is it possible to find a middle ground between enjoyment of cycling and being competitive on a bike?
Is that the ultimate quest? I’m starting to work it out. In the past I’d treated them as two separate things. I don’t think that was a healthy way to do it. Now I treat training as riding. I enjoy the races, the preparation and don’t dwell on the results too much. I still need my time on the trails or on an adventure, but I just see it all as riding now.
How would you describe your performance at the Fat Bike World Championships?
I think I ended up fifth but i forgot my timing chip. It was fun, I crashed at least 20 times (not an exaggeration). Once the course got rutted out I was useless, but for a while I really thought I’d win ha. I had the nicest bike and the least experience.
If you showed a picture of your current life to a younger version of Lachlan Morton, what do you think he’d be more amazed by: your marriage or your Hyundai?
Both things, equally. That idea that I’d find someone that could deal with me, and commit to that for a life time—amazing. The fact that I own a car at all—amazing.
You spent time in Colorado when it was cold there this year, instead of back in Australia. Did you do things backwards?
Colorado is becoming more like home. I have all my stuff here. It’s the only place where I’m not living out of a suitcase. I enjoy that more and more. I enjoyed the winter. The snow is still a novelty for me and cycling clothes are amazing now, so you can always ride as long as the road isn’t frozen.
Tell us about each of the tattoos you have, and under what circumstances you got them. By the way, the tattoo on the left side of your chest looks suspiciously similar to one that GG Allin had. Was that on purpose?
First one I got is just a ten sided shape on my arm, Gus and I got the same one. Rachel drew the fox I have on my shoulder. My sisters’ name all written on top of each other in my left bicep. The route of Thereabouts on my left leg and just a design I liked on my left pec. Dassss it.
What’s the best move you’ve ever done in a bike race? Like, what is your proudest moment racing professionally?
Umm, probably being part of Christian Vande Velde’s win at the USA Pro Challenge as a stagiaire. It was my first race with a world tour team.
What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done in a race?
Probably racing the last stage of the USA Pro Challenge last year, sitting in fifth, very hung over. No fun, still attacked though. Maybe that’s my proudest.
Who’s your favorite dude to talk to in the peleton. What do you guys talk about in there?
Joe Lewis, he is amazingly skilled in the art of shit talking. Rarely related to the task at hand.
What’s the strangest/lamest/funniest/craziest thing you’ve ever heard in there? You can leave out the names and dates and whatnot to preserve whoever’s anonymity. Or not.
Bike riders are most honest on their bikes because that’s where they are most comfortable. I’ve heard a lot of great stories along with things I wish I could unhear, but they stay on the bike… sorry.
We spent a SOLID ten days with you recently and observed that you started a number of those days off with a Moby song. Was it the same song? Was that just a phase? Or a ritual? Why Moby?
Moby’s great, definitely a phase , but a great one nonetheless.
Will you make us a Manual for Speed playlist based on a theme? You pick the theme.
"DRIVING FROM GILA"
1 Ja Rule Living It Up
2 Tiga Overtime
3 Desire Under Your Spell
4 A$AP Rocky Suddenly
5 Justice The Party
6 Caribou Can't Do Without You
7 Traveling Wilburys End of the Line
8 Chic Everybody Dance
9 Daft Punk Rollin' & Scratchin'
10 Terror Squad feat. Fat Joe, Remy Lean Back
11 Marshall Jefferson Mushrooms (Justin Martin Mix)
Speaking of playlists, how did you learn that you can do a pretty mean David Beckham impersonation? In particular, one in which David is a Radio 1 DJ. Also, what does that mean? How does that change things?
It would probably change the way most people view David Beckam if we could get our show aired.
Why did you pick an Italian greyhound as a pet? What is your Italian greyhound’s name, and why?
Rachel wanted one. I came up with the name: Toad the Toadman Toadfish, Toad for short. Named after toadfish from the Australian soap opera Neighbors. He’s amazing. He spoons my neck when I sleep, what else could you need?
Listen to as much or as little of Shellac’s “Excellent Italian Greyhound” album as you want to, and tell us what you think of it.
[Lachlan abstained from answering this question. Not sure why.]
How much is the most you’ve ever won or lost on a horse or dog race?
Won $180 bucks on the dogs once. We went to Smuts (the Down Under nightclub) afterwards, on a Wednesday. It was great.
Australians have wonderful slang for just about everything. Can you give us your top five favorite Aussie phrases and their translations? (E.g. ‘betting on the dish lickers’ = betting on the greyhounds.)
‘Hard yakka’: hard work
‘Sinking middys’: drinking mid sized beers
‘Lucky shop’: betting establishment
‘Hit the frog and toad’: leave
‘Dog’s eye’: meat pie
What is your take on the use of a mankad run-out in cricket?
I can honestly say I have no idea what that means. I liked the one hand one bounce catch rule at school.
We know that you’re a big fan of The Cricket. Can you tell us in your own words about some of your favorite Shane Warne moments?
Shane Warne, what a guy. I liked him better when he was fat. Anyone of his selfies on Instagram equals any of his performances on the pitch.
Lachlan is currently the tenth most popular male baby name in Australia. Do you think you will help raise the profile of the name even further, or harm it in any way? Why?
I’d like to push for a top five. I’m pretty confident we can get it there. That’s why I take all these interviews, every Lachlan has to do their part.
Top three books?
Tommorrow When the War Began
All from year 4-7 English.
Top three movies?
Too hard umm…
V for Vendetta
Natural Born Killers
Rank these Mortons: Morton’s (Steakhouse chain), Morton’s (table salt), Morton (city in Washington state, population 1,117), Gary Morton (real estate agent in Littleton, Colorado), Gary Morton (Lucille Ball’s second husband).
Morton’s (table salt)
Morton’s (steakhouse chain)
Morton (city in Washington state, population 1,117)
Gary Morton (Lucille Ball’s second husband)
Gary Morton (real estate agent in Littleton, Colorado)