Note: Before you begin this program, bend your arm and attempt to bring your index finger to your shoulder. If you can achieve this feat of useless mobility, your bicep is under developed, atrophied, and is a macro indication that your entire body suffers similar clinical afflictions.
You don’t have to settle for a body that’s not macho. I’m Poppi, I was born this way. I was conceived by 2 MEN. This scientific miracle was later made into a movie where one of my fathers was played by Arnold Schwarzenegger. My other father was also a MAN. You could say I was born macho, achieving my dreams from day one, but that doesn’t mean you can’t achieve your dreams, too! Follow my simple plan, consume only CLIF products, and join the club. This is the Club Macho way!
Arise slowly from your optimized hyperbaric sleep system that has been preset to an indicated training prioritization. It is now, when taking your first breaths in the civilian environment, that your T-levels are at their peak. Below, I have prescribed precision nutritional guidelines that should be followed within a 5-10 degree margin of error.
Breakfast Stack: 1.75 BUILDER’S MAX bars. Your musculature has been atrophying since your previous BUILDER’S MAX intake three hours beforehand. Your metamorphosing physique is starved for the high quality protein that only CLIF products can deliver. Follow this by ingesting three sleeves of caffeinated CLIF Bloks. IT’S LIFTING TIME! Coffee is for Europeans, and you need the glycogen boost for your warm up on the elliptical machine that only CLIF products can deliver. After Blok consumption, stack the other .25 of your required BUILDER’S MAX bar allotment on top to level out your insulin reception.
- 20 minutes on the elliptical trainer or Nordic Track of your choice: This is to be done at a moderate zone 4. It is imperative that this be the extent of your cardiovascular training. It is merely utilized to further stabilize your T-levels which should be “fluttering” at this point, they are poised to be released via a complex system of compound Olympic moves. Anything over zone 4, and you are burning muscle, and burning muscle is burning the flag of your self respect.
- Pre compound Olympic moves: With a portable stove, dissolve 3 more sleeves of Bloks, then, using a size .23 needle, inject the Bloks serum into the desired location on your body. IT’S GO TIME!
Side Bar: All sets require 2 minutes of recovery between each set. During that 2 minutes, visualize yourself achieving peak T-levels, and attaining success as a result. Success to you may mean getting that date with the girl from the .23 needle supply store, or driving a hot new convertible sports car past your ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend while he walks to work. Just be sure it’s something dynamic.
- Deadlift: 4 sets of 8 reps using pyramid weights to max on 4th set.
- Clean and jerk: 4 sets of 8, 6, 4, and 2 rep step-downs.
- Bench press: 10 sets, max on 2nd set and rep for remainder of sets. Super set skull crushers between each pressing set. Rep maximum weight until muscle failure.
- Break: Consume Luna bar to lower T-levels while safely passing the yoga room to hit the squat rack.
- Squats: 10 sets of 4 reps. Your 4th rep will be executed to muscular failure. It is imperative that you consume a BUILDER’S MAX bar stack during alternating sets. This will keep your muscles in a state of anabolic generatory combustion. Or AGC. Only CLIF products can produce the desired AGC anomaly within depraved muscle cell wall nucleus membranes.
- Clean and Jerk (military press if yer back is weak from dealing with bullies your entire life!): 5 sets of 12, 8, 6, 4, drop sets, then get back up to 12 for your last set. This should blast yer body to the point of releasing negatively charged hormones into the atmosphere. Step back, and inject a complete BUILDER’S MAX bar intravenously, as you did with the Bloks earlier.
- Look into the mirror: FLEX. Flex everything, and hold for a 20 count.
It’s time to depth charge your biceps into oblivion’s mom’s anus.”– POPPI
- Olympic bar curls: 100% drop sets. 12 every time. By the 12th rep, your core temperature (measured rectally by your training partner) should read 103 degrees. 103 degrees is the optimal flash point to ignite the androgenically volatile compounds of the potent cocktail of injected CLIF brand products you have been injecting/consuming throughout this session. The ignition will further compound the AGC effect. FLEX and hold 5 sets of 30 seconds.
So concludes your sample workout. But we’re not done! Guess what? It’s time to down a BUILDER’S MAXMacho blend meal stack.
- 5 BUILDER’S MAX bars.
- 5 Raw male ostrich eggs.
- Flex while blending.
- FLEX while consuming in the sauna.
Congratulations. Now it’s time to get Tiffani’s number and shop for convertible sports cars my macho friend.”