Track that’s single and ready to mingle is the USA’s #1-15 greatest contributions to the world. No other country comes close to the dirty waves you can surf in our country’s voluminous MTB Meccas, most notably those of the ever enchanted Southwest.
Sedona, Arizona, in addition to being quartz crystal-bedazzled with primø 1-trakk, is somewhat of a red rock Disneyland for retired golfers, Walmart new agers and Jeep tour enthusiasts alike. So you could probably invite your grandma and maybe get a free trip out of it. While she’s out getting her hip chakra adjusted, you could be out getting tuuuubed in the red room alllll day!!!!
Below I’ve listed a few of the ways to help ensure your grandma’s disagreeable tacky side of Sedona doesn’t get in the way of your personal 2-wheeled moon horse voyage between dimensions.
- Camping – Yer first gonna want to find a scenic and secluded base camp. This is pretty easy to do if yer camping off yer bike, but if you have a corporate sponsor who bought you a car, you’ll be needing something semi-legal. I’d recommend the National Forest land on Boyton Pass Rd. just beyond the groomer Aarie trails. It’s about 9.064542 miles from the Natural Grocers, who conveniently have the best yogürt selection in town. You can stay here for 2 weeks legally, have fires, shoot refrigerators, etc.
- Uptown Sedona – Stay away from Uptown Sedona at ALL COSTS… it’s confusing and you need to keep your focus on the vortexual red waves of 1-trakk. Your grandma, however, will love it.
- Pink Jeeps – They will try their best to jade you out. Don’t let them get to you. Buy some Oakley Thumps and play a sound wave MP3 that cancels out the frequency of Jeep engines and their insipid passengers. Check the Club Macho MySpace for an MP3 download.
- The Hangover Trail – Shralp some red cabbage on the iconic Hangover trail. This trail is beyond whacked out, and perhaps a parachute would be more appropriate than a helmet if you OTB it, but its stunning views and 8th wonder of the world bench cut 1-trakk make it an instant classic.
- Bike & Bean – Bike and Bean is the best shoppe in town. They took me out for my first Sedona surf sesh on elastomered Pro-Flexes back in 1997, that’s how rootsy those dudes are. Well, they’re all dropper posters now, but rest assured, they won’t bully you like all the other shops.
- Whole Foods – Go to Whole Foods to use Internet and charge yer Instagram machine. This is also a great place to solicit yerself into a communal living scenario. Recent studies suggest that Whole Foods was not built only for SUV yoga moms who actually spend money there, but more for its easily exploitable resources and the communal dirt bags who exploit said resources. So go ahead and charge yer vape pen and use the complimentary lavender wipes to clean yer junk.
- Whole Foods Diving – It’s cliché, but they also leave their dumpsters unlocked. Clean yer junk after that for sure. Met a lot of #cool people who smelled like lavender this way.
- Celestial Seasonings – Get your aura photo taken. Be sure to always look directly at the lens and make a pouty face. Mine kept coming up excelsior blue… go figure…