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Featuring Thick Bush, Gravity Bullies & Fine Leather Bars

Macho Note #1


Recent polls suggest triathlobros and endurobros are New Zealand’s second most invasive species—after the blood possum. Over the years they’ve been lured to the island by its plethora of opportunities to become successful “Adventure Realtors,” along with the readily available energy drinks and lift access. THEY WILL BULLY YOU! Never look them in the eye. Hopefully they will just move on their ways after you’ve wet yourself and given them your lunch/yogurt money. Study your data and protractor your berms, and just hide or get off the trail (be wary of Gravity Bullies when on downhill sections of trail) when you hear an aero disk wheel or the hum of a GoPro.


Macho Note #2


The nerdiest data source we found for the 1-trak was written by the locally famous Kennett brothers. The beta in their guidebooks is nothing short of scholarly. Again, just don’t let the bullies see you analyzing it.


Macho Note #3


Outside the bunji town infrastructure, you will find nothing but scenery and sheep. This kind of solitude lends itself naturally to riding naturally. Whenever I find myself away from the bashful eyes of society, I almost always ride “leather on leather”. If you’ve never tried it, now you have to.


Macho Note #4


Freedom camping is what they call Non-Pay Camping in New Zealand. I guess I’m a freedom camper most the year. Has a nice ring to it, outside the context of garishly painted RVs on the side of the road. A bike, it’s yer ticket to the best camp spots in the world. New Zealand has as many sweet camp spots as my 3rd ex-wife has mustache hairs. Not too many signs saying you can’t camp somewhere, so I take that as a go. Remember, the beach always seems romantic, but you’ll get sand in yer vag. River banks and lakesides offer scenery and bathing options. The most comfy, however are always pine forests. Pine forests are also the best way to avoid flying biting insects. Inevitably you’ll get lazy on a rainy night and crawl into a flatbed truck in an auto garage overhang. Just sleep with a knife, and get up early. Or if you have a sweet Snow Peak field suit, they’ll just assume yer a mechanic.


Macho Note #5


Leather bars. I had to make my own. =(

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