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“Old man, who are you with your green grips and Groucho Marx horn?”

How old are you, wait never mind it doesn’t matter. Just tell me about the places you’ve been and the things you’ve seen, tell me about it all. Have you lived in the same town for eighty-six years? Wouldn’t surprise me. Were you part of the French Foreign Legion?, Algeria?, Chad?, Zaire? I get it, we just met and I’m coming on pretty strong. Let’s start easy, tell me about your jersey, what club is that? GRUGLIASCO, is that a place or a grocery store? Anyway, I love the colors and the design is great. Those are matching shorts right?, love the vertical row of stars. So good. Also love the fact that you’re wearing basically all-white kit from what, forty years ago? Remember when lycra used to be kinda thick, right? My first jersey was given to me by a guy named Lance, no, not that Lance. It was a hand-me-down club jersey, I think the team was sponsored by a car dealership in Reseda. Anyway, this was when I was still legit scared of lycra because I thought I might be sending the wrong message to the world by wearing what could easily be confused with a superhero costume. Look, I was young, it was a different time, I was insecure, and I grew-up skateboarding. Also dude you have to admit, kit has come a long way in the last thirty years. To a 19-year-old in 1991 lycra was a big commitment and if you’d never worn clothes like that, lycra was also a big “share”—what am I talking about?—listen I know you’re totes comfortable with your adorable pot belly but I still have PTSD from when they used to call me whale tail on the playground in elementary school. I shopped for jeans in the husky section. Also, bro, I was 19 and trying way too hard to have sex with a woman. Wait, I’m DOING ALL THE TALKING! Sneaky, sneaky. Those gloves. Dude, I do this thing where we work with artists to design super fresh super SIQ kits… but in this case can we basically just steal that design? As in, just straight copy them. That bike icon. And the napoleone across the top, I don’t even care what it’s referencing. The short French dictator dude from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, you know, they stole him from the 1800s in the middle of the French Revolution or whatever and took him to a water park in San Dimas and left him with Ted’s brother and then he ate like ALL the ice cream at Zippy Piggy? That dude, or maybe Napoleone is a local car wash here? Who cares! we’re stealing those gloves.

Let’s talk whistle, why are you carrying a whistle? Safety? I love it when after mountain top finishes the pro-bros roll back down to the buses with towels around their necks Rocky-style and colorful whistles around their necks. They use the fuck out of them, too. So handy. They totally work. Is that your thing? You just blasting through alleys and alcoves and pontes and all the crazy narrow shit you got here, whistling the whole time? Love it. What’s that next to it, Dog Tags? Like, legit. I was right about the French Foreign Legion right? Some kinda I.D. thing? It’s cool, we don’t have to talk about it. Okay okay okay, the fuck is happening with those plastic birthday cake-looking clothespins????? And the plastic packaging or whatever… I don’t get it, you trying to keep your gooseneck dry? I mean, listen, the other day I successfully used the plastic bag a beach towel came in to protect my camera from rain and I think it worked better than the custom Gore-Tex sock made specifically for my camera that I left in the hotel room #hobotech. Also, those shifters look sooooooooooooo old. And the light with the black electrical tape. Why am I telling you about #hobotech, clearly you invented it or were friends with the guy that did. Realtalk though dude, that helmet is no longer providing you with even a modicum of head protection. I love it. I love that you tagged it. I love it when people write on their helmets. I don’t even know why but I love it. Also, repping GRUGLIASCO there too. Solid. But let’s get you a modern helmet, please. Speaking of which, if you had to, for the sake of conversation, what new helmet on the market today would you wear? I have to admit I kinda hate the thought of you wearing a modern helmet made in this century. And like, you have that whistle and you’re a thousand years old and you’ve obvs been riding longer than I’ve been alive so what the fuck do I know? It’s just things are different. People look at me weird when I let my ten-year-old kids scooter to the corner store without a helmet. People wear helmets for everything now. One last question, is that the Autogrill “A” on your fork, just above the fender? Are you sponsored by Autogrill?!??!?!? Please please please tell me that you’re sponsored by Autogrill.

“What are you doing later? Can I come to you your house, meet your wife, drive your car? Basically can I be you? Anyway, thanks, I’ve got to go shoot this bike race thing, see you!”

Things you talk about in the car

when you’re in the car with your friend Steve for hours and hours and hours and hours


and you’re sleep-deprived, and you have cashew dust all over your sweat pants, and there are empty plastic bottles rolling around all over the back of the car and every time you stop to pay a toll (which is often) you can’t find either the bigeletto (ticket) or any change or your wallet to pay, and your feet are hot and you keep snagging your lanyard on the seat belt buckle and you keep forgetting to wash the windshield. Dear Justin, Raoul, Ian, Klaus, Kyle, Kiki and of course my first love Emiliano, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

  1. “There are no Rockets in this valley.”—Steve Hockett talking about how he’s trying to post an Instagram story about the Katusha car looking like a Russian satellite with all its TV dishes and antennas and shit all over the top of it—like how do they get bikes up there with all that shit already on top?—and he’s trying to load an animated rocket sticker but there’s no service because we just dropped into an alpine valley.
  2. Snood Dogg. We have no service, no time, and no energy. But if we did we would Photoshop a snood, those stupid foreskin head socks that EVERYONE here wears onto a photograph of Snoop Dogg for all the obvious reasons which are that it would be amazing. [Editor’s Note: if you create this image and email it to me at [email protected] I will send you a pair of socks or two and maybe a cap.]
  3. Today after the finish we had to queue for the gondola which was a clusterfuck, then at the bottom of the gondola we had to walk like five miles back to our car because of Italian Police, and we are just burned out. The first ten minutes out of town is beet red on Google Maps, it’s hot, we’re hot, we’re out of water and we’re not really talking cause there’s nothing to say and I roll the window down and in the middle of all this suck I hear what sounds like wind chimes but we can’t find the source and then finally we realize that it’s coming from the bells around the necks of some cows eating grass at the top of a steep embankment next to the Autostrada. Anyway, for the next ten minutes Steve and I talk about the tinkle of the bell and how suddenly life is okay because that sound was magical and then we start singing Julie Andrews songs.
  4. Bathrooms. About how in Italy YOU HAVE TO JUST TRUST that the sign will get you there. You just follow the signs, almost blindly because often they lead to what looks like a solid wall or a dark alley or pit or a piano recital or some such shit, but right at the last minute a door will slide open or some lights will come or whatever and yeah, you’re in a bathroom.
  5. About how I need a raven feather for my naked alpini hat—at bare minimum. And about how it makes sense that I would buy that here, in the birth place of my hat: the Italian Alps. Also, I’ve noticed that most alpini hats have badges and ribbons and shit too. So yeah, I’m on the lookout for an Alpini Hat Decorations store.
  6. I’d like to murder the person who invented the thing where your car beeps when you switch lanes or color even just a little bit outside of your lane for a sec. Fuck that dude.

Venaria Reale

Do you leave a spot to go to another spot? The answer is always no. ALWAYS. Unless the answer is yes, then yes absolutely you should leave. EVERY TIME. #theforce #letgoletgod #thequickening #thezone

Colle del Lys




This is where it all went wrong. This sign. Fuck you, Alice in Wonderland sign. And fuck you Italian Police people who wouldn't let Steve and I turn around and drive literally four hundred yards back to this sign after we chose the wrong direction. We only wanted to go four hundred yards and the race was still three hours away!!!!!!!!!! And did you see that sign you fuckers, ? Fuck all of you, you're all in league.


Switchback Recon

of 11


#Chilleur Recon


I’m sure all of you got “the notes” or regularly read insider articles on cycling,

but to me—who knows basically nothing about the mechanics of the sport and regularly pays very little attention to Froome even though I stopped believing he was a robot after that time he ran up a hill carrying his bike cause it was broken or whatever and he was DTF the win no matter how goofy it looked—it looked like that motherfucker just played the all time SIQest game of Guys, I’m not feeling it today. In front of the whole world. For basically a month. And then, when he was ready, he SMASHED THE SHIT out of everyone. I’m sure it’s not as simple as that, but who cares because my version is dramatic AF.

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