“Old man, who are you with your green grips and Groucho Marx horn?”
How old are you, wait never mind it doesn’t matter. Just tell me about the places you’ve been and the things you’ve seen, tell me about it all. Have you lived in the same town for eighty-six years? Wouldn’t surprise me. Were you part of the French Foreign Legion?, Algeria?, Chad?, Zaire? I get it, we just met and I’m coming on pretty strong. Let’s start easy, tell me about your jersey, what club is that? GRUGLIASCO, is that a place or a grocery store? Anyway, I love the colors and the design is great. Those are matching shorts right?, love the vertical row of stars. So good. Also love the fact that you’re wearing basically all-white kit from what, forty years ago? Remember when lycra used to be kinda thick, right? My first jersey was given to me by a guy named Lance, no, not that Lance. It was a hand-me-down club jersey, I think the team was sponsored by a car dealership in Reseda. Anyway, this was when I was still legit scared of lycra because I thought I might be sending the wrong message to the world by wearing what could easily be confused with a superhero costume. Look, I was young, it was a different time, I was insecure, and I grew-up skateboarding. Also dude you have to admit, kit has come a long way in the last thirty years. To a 19-year-old in 1991 lycra was a big commitment and if you’d never worn clothes like that, lycra was also a big “share”—what am I talking about?—listen I know you’re totes comfortable with your adorable pot belly but I still have PTSD from when they used to call me whale tail on the playground in elementary school. I shopped for jeans in the husky section. Also, bro, I was 19 and trying way too hard to have sex with a woman. Wait, I’m DOING ALL THE TALKING! Sneaky, sneaky. Those gloves. Dude, I do this thing where we work with artists to design super fresh super SIQ kits… but in this case can we basically just steal that design? As in, just straight copy them. That bike icon. And the napoleone across the top, I don’t even care what it’s referencing. The short French dictator dude from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, you know, they stole him from the 1800s in the middle of the French Revolution or whatever and took him to a water park in San Dimas and left him with Ted’s brother and then he ate like ALL the ice cream at Zippy Piggy? That dude, or maybe Napoleone is a local car wash here? Who cares! we’re stealing those gloves.