Results for

2016 Tour of Kalifornia: Stage 07

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Distance 175.5km Number of Steps N/A Time of Filing 1:59 AM Accommodations TownePlace Suites Marriott. Our hotel room has a phone hanging next to the toilet à la Howard Hughes. Does this mean I am going save our urine and fingernail clippings in mason jars? Why, you want to buy some?

Today’s Objectives
Find Daniel some rain pants so that, in the event that it does rain while he’s on a motorcycle, he doesn’t get wet. Pretty straightforward. X
Catch the finish of the women’s race. Which, unfortunately started way too early for anyone. I mean who do they think we are, Garbage Men? Baristas? I think it’s a sad commentary on our society when a race would consider women worms, objects that only early birds can get. This makes me sick sick sick. ✓

WIFI Details It’s working. IT IS WORKING! I just looked up Howard Hughes. Turns out he had OCD, but he also had a telephone mounted to the wall next to his toilet. From what I understand there’s no definitive answer as to whether it’s the phone or the OCD that caused Hughes start stockpiling his piss. Science just can’t figure it out. I guess that’s why he was a genius. Like Al Gore and the internet that he invented. Genius Genius Genius

Weather It started raining just before the start of the men’s race. It didn’t rain long, but it rained. Fortunately I was around buildings, there were roofs to be had, and I was sure that the media room was being kept dry by the flapping wings of tweet after incisive tweet. No, I was good on my end, however I was a little concerned for Daniel. He been given the “golden saddle,” a ride on one of the photo motos, and there was a chance mother nature would be doing water tears on him all day. You see, he hadn’t brought any proper rain gear #becausecalifornia and last night (the night before the stage you are about to fully immerse yourself in) we searched the Rohnert Target and the Rohnert Big 5 for suitable rain gear, unfortunately there was nothing that would suit him. He would be heading into the wild on the back of a steel horse as if he were a young towheaded runaway from one of Larry Clark’s early works, naive and brave but woefully unprepared for all the evil things that pass through this world. However misfortune missed its mark and the peloton spent nearly the entire day in the sunshine, riding with perfect cadence into their bright, beautiful, perfect futures.


Dear Readers,

I wanted to talk to you about today’s race. How it was so long and there were so many riders and in the end it came down to only one inch. Sound familiar? About everything that went into that. I wanted to talk to you about women’s racing, about how these ladies are out there bleeding out of their eyes, living out of box vans and taking wet wipe showers. We could talk about the lack of spectators on the course, the long transfers between each stage, the rat maze that was the fence setup at the start and finish line. But I don’t have time, I am tired, I am really really tired.

But I do want to tell you something:

as much as I might feign disinterest and try on airs of disassociation I can tell you that every single day when that first rider crosses the finish line, it is spine tingling. This sport is beautiful.


    High Points
  • I had lunch at a bar and watched the race. I watched Sagan eat a hoagie sandwich while waiting for the peloton to catch up, I watched him check his text messages and bang out a few tweets and talk to his DS, looks like they shared a good joke. Meanwhile Josh had ordered this Nutella milkshake that was sealed with a toasted marshmallow cap. He was so excited about it, which made me excited, which made Rebecca excited, and I think, based on the little smile that he had on his face when Josh took that first life affirming sip, made Sagan a little excited.
  • Tonight I discovered that Yumi Zouma released a new single. It’s called “Barricade (Matter of Fact).” I am listening to it now. You do you, but if you want to be a better you then check this little jam out.
    Low Points
  • Today there came a time when I needed to take care of some personal disposal issues while out in the field. I mean, I was at the media room, but if you’ve ever seen that animal park you know it’s as out in the field as out in the field can get. Anyway. I’m there and things are feeling real good. Like I am crushing emails, taking notes, jamming tunes, flying. It wasn’t a surprise, it wasn’t a literal, “Oh shit,” moment. I knew what was happening so I excused myself to the commode. Let’s cut to the chase: the automatic lights turned off on me while I was “using” and I’ll be damned if they weren’t a bitch to turn back on. Picture this: here I am, a grown man, perched upon one of these beautiful little numbers doing what I’ve done at least a hundred times before, then bam. UTTER AND COMPLETE DARKNESS. So I sit there, waving my arms like an angry chicken on six bumps of cocaine, and the light’s just not coming on. Here’s me in a fix, here’s me sad AF, here’s me cursing convenience, humanity, the whole thing. Finally, as if it had had enough fun, the light clicked back on. I looked at that sensor boy. I looked at it and was like, “I see you. I SEE you.”


An MFS Pilot Program for a New Classification


Manual for Speed has been commissioned to introduce a new race classification category called “Most Animal.” Points for the classification will be awarded on the basis of style, swagger, and grit. We’ve assembled an elite group of expert analysts who will be assessing and assigning points for performance. The most animal jersey for ATOK will be awarded at the end of the race.


Listen, what’s more animal than blowing the race apart with 60K to go, striking fear into everyone in the peloton nursing cold sores and fighting sore throats and praying to survive to Sacramento? What’s more animal then destroying the dreams of grown men by forcing six guys to DNF? There is nothing more GRIZZLY than being off the front for 40 of the last 60K of a hilly stage and then sprinting to within a couple of inches of beating one of the world’s top sprinters who just had the lead-out of his life. Fuck marginal gains, saving for the final sprint, conserving til it counts, all of that shit which has caused road racing to be where it is. I’m telling you, Sagan is single-handedly saving this sport from becoming another racquetball or jai alai sensation. The man epitomizesanimal.22Just thought this was a cool little point: Sagan freewheeling and waiting for the shattered peloton to catch him and stuffing goos down his gullet as if he was home manhandling Trdelníks after a mountain bike race.

KATUSHA: 5 pts

Named after a Russian missile system, they operated with typical Russian military precision and controlled what was left of the peloton coming into the Santa Rosa circuits and then put their Norwegian missile onto the top step of the podium. The watts those guys put out during the last 13k to string out the field and discourage attacks was enough to power the western seaboard for the weekend. Crazy power. It was an added bonus to see all those guys in the background, fists in the air in unison celebrating as they watched their Norwegian snatch a lucky victory… I say lucky cuz Sagan felt like playing around off the front for a lot of the day—think about how different that sprint coulda gone.


This is what a sprinter’s bike should look like. I can’t stand rhinos and silly shit painted on a bike unless you’re Italian. If you’re Italian, airbrushing is a part of your culture—those dudes have been airbrushing snow leopards on their helmets for decades, so painted animals on their bikes are totes fine. But if you’re some boring-ass marginal-gainer and you think you’re gonna spice up your steez with a charging giraffe or something, you best check your power meter and drop off the back. But a traditional, home country flag bike scheme is legit. Yes, it’s been done, and no, it’s not that CRRAAÃZzy and it doesn’t involve cartoon animals (which I like everywhere else in life), but it’s tradition, and that is part of the essence of road cycling and an example of some things that need to stay around in cycling. When rad shit gets corrupted by charging giraffes, it’s GOT to GO.


You gotta admire Axeon’s balls the whole race. Today it was Tao F*$king up the Katusha Kristoff Express with 1k to go. The rest of his teammates wisely backed down to the Pro Tourers queuing for the sprint, but Tao just jumped in 3rd wheel like it was nothing. A minute later he had thrown out the anchor and was drifting backward and was lucky to keep it upright, but still. That’s balls.

Standings After Stage 07

  1. Peter Sagan: 15 points
  2. Neilson Powless: 12 points
  3. Julian Alaphilippe: 12 points
  4. Ben King: 9 points
  5. Toms Skujins: 8 points
  6. Wouter Wippert: 7 points
  7. Peter Sagan: 7 points
  8. Nathan Haas: 6 points
  9. Jasper Stuyven: 6 points
  10. Axeon-Hagens Berman: 5 points
  11. Katusha: 5 points
  12. Vasil Kiriyenka: 5 points
  13. Oscar Clark: 4 points
  14. Rohan Dennis: 4 points
  15. Mark Christian: 4 points
  16. Dave Towle: 4 poimts
  17. Cannondale Team Car: 3 points
  18. Kristoff’s Bike: 3 points
  19. Laguna Seca: 3 points
  20. Tao Geoghegan Hart: 3 points
  21. Caps: 2 points
  22. Inflatable Cookies: 2 points
  23. T.Phin’s Shades: 1 point



Quote of the Day


“‘Reading Cinemas’ that’s a funny name.” -Josh

“It’s all Closed Captioning.” -KVH

“That room had a desk, no chair. You sit on the bed and work at the desk. It’s the mullet of hotel desks.” -Kyle, on our Rohnert motel room.


“I’m leaving the bar but the party’s not over.” -DWP

“It turns out the future wasn’t now.” -DWP

“It’s that Bay Area halo effect were dealing with… too expensive.” -KVH


“Do you want another Twix bar? I’ll send my daughter out next Halloween to get you an extra.”-Anon


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