Results for

2016 Tour of Kalifornia: Stage 06

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Distance 20.3km Men’s ITT / 20.3km Women’s TTT Number of Steps 13,639 – 6.6 mi Time of Filing 2:04 AM Accommodations The Rodeway Inn, Rhohnert, California. Okay. The dude at the front desk was funny, like dropping F-bombs after the first couple of quips funny. I was thinking, hey this dude is cool, this place is vibing so good, plus from the outside it looks like a PILE OF COMPLETE SHIT so it has to be cheap right? Wrong, wrong, wrong wrong wrong. Ok so this is a gut punch, this is a kick in the teeth, but maybe the Rodeway is wearing some sort of shit box camouflage. Maybe the room will be a palace: gold plated toilets and free Fiji waters. Maybe they’ll be running yet-to-be-released movies in our room, maybe time will work differently in our room and no matter what we’ll be able to get a full night’s sleep. Yep, nope, our room is exactly the pile of shit you would expect if you were to judge the place from the outside. I’m talkin’ the hospitality items include halloween candy and the picture on the TV has a orange saturation while vibrating like it got a spray tan during the hangover shakes.

Today’s Objectives Get up in time to drive halfway across California in order to photograph the Women’s Team Time Trial. ✓ Stick around Folsom, a town made famous for its prison, long enough to photograph the Men’s Individual Time Trial. ✓

WIFI Details So I told you about this place, the pile of shit with cots? The one from the section titled accommodation? Turns out the WIFI here is actually functional. I mean I’d ding it a couple of bars just because the rest of our stay/kinda-sleeping experience is/was so emotionally depleting, but yeah if you’re reading this then I guess it works.

Weather There was that whole wind thing, but for us non-riders it was pleasant for the race.

RACE REPORT

Dear ATOK,

You got California, I mean it’s California, the same one known around the world. The California with Yosemite, the Sierra Nevada, Death Valley, Hollywood, San Francisco, the forest of the Redwoods, and a thousand miles of beautiful coastline. This is your canvas, upon which you had the chance to draw the world’s most beautiful tour. You’ve basically been given a road race tour shopping spree to the nicest road ride race tour superstores in the world. In my mind I’m like, SLAM DUNK. If I’m me I’m thinking, “God damn it this race is going to raise the bar/set the standard/break the mold/ redefine the curve/change the world/disrupt.” It’s like, “Good luck Olympics, good luck.”

But, and I am going to be honest here because you deserve it, you deserve the honesty, it’s only right that I give it to you. You cocked it up.

You have us riding and driving all over the places, bouncing around the state like a schizophrenic jack rabbit. I get it, there’s a lot of expectation. I mean here we are, the world, and we’re watching you, we’re judging you, commenting on your every decision and you didn’t want to miss an opportunity, you wanted to cover your bases, no loose ends right? But in doing so you’ve rushed through all beautiful parts of the state. You’re like a college student visiting Europe for two weeks who thinks they can see the Parthenon, the Coliseum, The Louvre, The Alps, Barcelona, Ghent, Berlin, and the Scandinavians, but instead takes a snapshot of each one and spends the majority of the time messaging friends back home on Facebook while taking one long overnight Eurail ride after another.

Instead of having anything that resembles a quality experience in any of this state’s beautiful places, you’ve rushed us from one place to the next; we take a few photos, crown a winner and then it’s back in the car/on the bus for 4-5 hours. Hey, we complain, we’re good at it, but it’s not just us, ask around, take the temperature, send out a survey. It’s been hard man, these transfers are killer. People are dragging, racers are grumpy, and if you’re a super fan, if you’re one of those European Fan Facsimiles, the fan that follows every stage of the race, it’s a real drag.

But you can fix this, the issue isn’t terminal! Why not spend two days in Tahoe, or set up in Los Angeles and run a couple stages out of the city and surrounding area before moving on to the next place? Racer, media, and fans alike will have a better experience. What do you have to lose? I mean the whole point is to get more people to see the race, to get excited about the race, and buy stuff that has to do with the race. Right? Hey, we’ve got a ton of ideas, but its so late right now11See this story for an explanation. so I can’t fully elucidate all my thinking here, but trust me, you can do better and we can help, send a little note to team@manualforspeed.com and we’ll get the imagination machine fired up!

STAGE 06 MOST ANIMAL COMPETITION

An MFS Pilot Program for a New Classification

Manual for Speed has been commissioned to introduce a new race classification category called “Most Animal.” Points for the classification will be awarded on the basis of style, swagger, and grit. We’ve assembled an elite group of expert analysts who will be assessing and assigning points for performance. The most animal jersey for ATOK will be awarded at the end of the race.

ALPHA-PHILIPPE: 6 pts

F$%K, nice riding man. I don’t really give two shits that you but I do LOVE that you stood up and sprinted for tha line like a boss. Probably the only time a $8000 TT bike looks CÖÕL is when it’s being thrown side to side like a rag doll on the way to the line.

ROHAN DENNIS: 4 pts

My man is tall. Tall is good. Tall and fast is very, very good. Beating the tallest of the tall T.Phin means you got some form. Being 8 seconds down at the intermediate checkpoint and turnin’ on the afterburners for the second half of the race is very advanced. Very, very advanced.

T.PHIN’S SHADES: 1 pt

Those things were hottt.

 

Standings After Stage 06

  1. Neilson Powless: 12 points
  2. Julian Alaphilippe: 12 points
  3. Ben King: 9 points
  4. Toms Skujins: 8 points
  5. Wouter Wippert: 7 points
  6. Peter Sagan: 7 points
  7. Nathan Haas: 6 points
  8. Jasper Stuyven: 6 points
  9. Vasil Kiriyenka: 5 points
  10. Axeon-Hagens Berman: 5 points
  11. Oscar Clark: 4 points
  12. Rohan Dennis: 4 points
  13. Mark Christian: 4 points
  14. Dave Towle: 4 poimts
  15. Cannondale Team Car: 3 points
  16. Laguna Seca: 3 points
  17. Caps: 2 points
  18. Inflatable Cookies: 2 points
  19. T.Phin’s Shades: 1 point

TODAY'S HIGHS & LOWS

    High Points
  • Eating that chocolate doughnut in the media room.
  • Meeting Lachlan’s parents, then doing an interview with his dad (forthcoming).
    Low Points
  • Lachlan’s dad telling me that he likes the coffee in Australia better than the coffee in the States.
  • The 3.5 hours in San Francisco traffic we got to experience after the race.
  • My hotel.
  • The bed bugs I am going to sleep with.

WOMEN’S TTT

Quote of the Day

“That car is amazing he’s from the future thirty years ago!” -DWP

“Sixteen Candles.” -DWP
“I thought you said 16 sandals.” -RG

MEN’S ITT

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