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2015 Tour De France
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There was some Deep Stoke at the Mountain Chewbacca camp today.

2015 TDF: Stage 17

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Distance 161 km Number of Steps 14,467 steps or 6.8 miles Time of Filing 2:30 AM Accommodations We are staying at Gite Auberge La Blanche. Gite Auberge La Blanche literally translates to Mountain Cottage Camp For Youth and Cats. More on this later.

Today’s Objectives
Shoot the start. ✓
Drive to the bottom of the finish, take the shuttle to the top of the finish. X
Photograph the finish. ✓ –

WIFI Details

It’s good. But what’s GREAT is the password: “AGJ345LLPG5V74CQR85JML95DDD1”.

Weather

At the start in the sun it was Africa hot. Then we drove to the Alps where it was breezy and bright until isolated afternoon thunderstorms rolled through. One such thunderstorm rained and hailed on the exodus, including Peloton Commuters, thousands in white shorts and old ladies on mountain bikes coming off the mountain following the finish.

Quote of the Day

“Hey, the bowls are coming out!”
-Daniel observing Madam Gite pulling bowls off the shelf following dinner. Which means desert, obvs.

“Where do I put my punch?”
-Daniel midway through an LPC (low point contraction).

“Count, pointer-count.”
-Daniel, demonstrating how tired-dumb he is.

“Dude, just be like Fonzie and work in the bathroom.”
-Anonymous

“Please do not eat the salad now. It eeez better to eat the salad after. First you eat the lasagne, then you must eat the salad after.”
-Madam Gite being bossy about salads.

“Neese, nice, it’s like listening to birds singing.”
-Digital Warrior talking about how the city Nice on the coast of France is spelled the same wherever you go, but pronounced differently

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

Race Report

On the way to Digne-Les-Bains we paid several tolls. After nearly a month we still don’t know how the péages work, sometimes they want money, sometimes they only want cards, sometimes they will take our cards, sometimes they won’t, sometimes they will take change, sometimes they want to give you a ticket. It’s best just to be prepared for everything. The start was bright except for the tree tunnel. We shot the start, we never shoot the start. The boulangerie near where we parked got Horsed pretty hard so we decided to look for lunch on the way.

 

We’ve known about the Alps for a few days now. Everything about Sisteron had the vibe: the river, the gorge, the rocks, the mountains in the distance. Today though, for the first time, we drove right into them. Compared to American mountains they appear desaturated, no vibrancy. They look old and faded, they are old and faded, but they’re still breathtaking and magnificent, they’re still one of the Most Spectacular Mountain Ranges in the World.

 

We sped straight to Barcelonnette, the town below the Ski Resort Pra Loup, stopping only for gazole and to emport some lunch but we still missed the shuttle. For a minute Emiliano felt so disillusioned he wanted to just go home but then we just figured out how to #stickerprivilege our way to the edge of the course and walk up from there. Walking up a well-spectated climb is maybe quite possibly my second most favorite part of documenting a race.
The end is near. Alpe d’Huez is all anyone can talk about.

TODAY'S HIGHS & LOWS

    High Points
  • This text from my mom: “Yee-haw! Front and center on Velo News!” Dear Mom, thanks for reminding me that is an acceptable expletive/declarative/ejaculation.
  • We spent our Rest Day in Sisteron where we stayed in a Bed & Breakfast. There was some confusion with our booking (we booked two rooms not one) so Emiliano and I were obliged to stay in different rooms. The internet worked perfectly, allowing Emiliano and I to catch-up on emails, watch TV, and research “stuff” at our own pace.
  • Guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys we figured it out. Freds in Europe are called ‘Bernards’. Used in a sentence: Walking down the mountain today I almost got run over by like fifty Bernards.
  • Sticker Privilege isn’t limited to reckless driving, speeding with impunity and access to the race course wherever we want except in the midst of the actual race, not at all, it also allows us to park like ultra-rich assholes/diplomats: on curbs, in people’s front yards, half-way down a set of public stairs, blocking handicap ramps, etc.
  • It’s tedious but we love a good Exodus. Today’s was especially vivid and chaotic because of a thunderstorm which caused thousands (young, old, boy, girl, everybody) to run for cover and hide all over the place: under cars, in trees, under trash bags, in ditches, under newspapers, etc. Halfway through the rain turned to hail.
  • Missing the shuttle to the finish. I hate public transportation and the climb was probs better.
  • Yesterday I had a one-hour long conversation with our Bed & Breakfast host, Muhammad. We talked about Transcendental Meditation, Marseilles (where he grew up), JP Morgan, Monsanto, Taoism, Universal Truths, Collective Consciousness, French orange juice and Gorge de la Méoue.
  • Gorge de la Meouge. The most life-affirming and France-affirming moment of Manual for Speed’s 2015 Tour De France coverage. We took NO PHOTOGRAPHS, it was a rest day.
  • Watching Emiliano open a bag of reconstituted Haribo Dragolo and take a bite from what was once hundreds of individual candies and colors but had become a hunk of raw Gummy ore. “It has the consistency of a raw piece of meat.”—Emiliano
    Low Points
  • We missed the shuttle to the finish because Emiliano didn't know there was a cutoff time even though we (Emiliano, Kristof Ramon and I) had a conversation about the cutoff time this morning, in which cutoff conversation he was an active participant. His response, “Oh, yeah, I wasn't really paying attention.” My favorite part of this story is how we were only ½ hour late for the last bus. ½ hour is about five minutes longer than the time it took us to fart-around town buying gazole and lunches. We could have easily made it, we just spaced it. Who else covering the 2015 TDF can say that?, “We missed the finish because we forgot which side of the car the gas tank is on.”
  • It got so hot today at the start that we had a catastrophic Haribo meltdown. We lost everything. Hundreds of euros in gummy bears, sour laces, etc., all ruined.
  • A week ago I moved my running shoes (interactive failure museum) out of my luggage and into the driver’s side backset footwell. Now I put spent batteries in them so they aren't loose and rolling around in the back of the car. I make a deposit on average once a day. It’s hard to explain how sad filling my impotent running shoes with a small landfill's worth of AA batteries is, but it is really sad.
  • We are staying in a Cattery. I’ve counted 19 individual cats. They are everywhere.
  • Dinner in the Mountaintop Cattery, as is the custom apparently with Gites, was Family Style. The other guests are as follows: a French family with seven kids ranging in age from 5 to 15, an elderly British Couple, and two photographers one of whom I recognize from Tour of California and other various Domestic races. There are two long tables in the dining room but for whatever reason only one of them was set for dinner even though we could all barely fit at the table. We asked if we could take our plates and sit at the other table, together, but away from the fray. Eventually they relented but at first it was a lite-fight. We think they think we’re unsocialized animals. It was a set dinner, no menu.
  • The main was lasagne. It was flavorless and I suspect it was made with cat.
  • We knew all along the dude with a beard was good at life. We didn't know he would win a stage of the Tour de France but we have been talking about asking him to audition for Kasual Klub. We don’t know why, we both just independently got the vibe. Now maybe it’s too late because he’s somebody now, at least for a minute.

TODAY’S DEEP THOUGHT

  1. While driving to the start Emiliano says something stupid, like, “Look at the girl, she’s wearing an actual, literal raspberry beret. Do you think it’s the same one? Listen, listen, listen, listen… I think I love her too.”
  2. I take my phone out.
  3. I open Day One.
  4. I type the note into Day One using ONLY ONE THUMB BECAUSE I ONLY EVER USE ONE THUMB.
  5. “emi rasberry beret, he loves here too”
  6. Throughout the day I add more notes.
  7. At the end of the day I sync Day One on my phone with Day One on my computer. Day One then syncs, provided the sync does not fail. Which it normally does not. But it has, and I’ve cried and thrown bona fide temper tantrums, but that’s a different story.
  8. Then I cut and paste the notes into a Google Doc where I organize and edit them.
  9. Invariably the notes are full of spelling mistakes, missing words and broken phrases. Sometimes they’re simply clues, or short-hand. While it might take a moment to decipher some of them it’s rarely impossible. But it does happen.
  10. Today for example I wrote: “Why would anyone bike meat?”
  11. I have no clue what that means or what it’s about. Neither does Emiliano.
  12. If you have any information leading to an understanding of this note, please email or text us immediately. No reward. Unless it warrants a reward. It’s hard to know at this point, and that’s yet another symptom of the problem.
Playlist

Today's Playlist

  • ARTIST ALBUM TRACK
  • 1 Blackstreet feat. Dr. Dre & Queen Pen No Diggity
  • 2 MC Hammer 2 Legit 2 Quit
  • 3 Prince Raspberry Beret
  • 4 Migos "Hannah Montana" w/ a Live Orchestra

DIGNE-LES-BAINS START

PRA LOUP

YO! MFS CRIBZ

TOUR DAY FRANCE

Maybe Manuel got his days mixed up?

FROM THE MFS INBOX

Reproduced Verbatim

FROM: JOSH

Reading about MFS on Velonews feels like hearing a guy describe his experience of going on a date with my wife.

FROM: TODD

I very much enjoy reading your race report each day. However I must say your stage 16 reports was,well…disappointing. Unless of course your were going for a pre-rest day rest day kind of thing, In which case YOU NAILED IT! Keep up the good work, I love it.

FROM: CHRISTOPHER

Hey, so about your stage 16 report. What’s the deal?

I know you guys are hot, and you’re tired, you’re emotionally drained, and you don’t eat enough fruit (seriously, guys, eat some fruit (and/or vegetables)). It’s stressful driving a defective rental, dealing with grumpy hotel staff, bad weefee, and stairs that aren’t up to code. I get that.

But… Imagine you’re not at the TdF. Imagine you’re just some dude in England. A dude who loves the TdF. A dude who cycles to work everyday dreaming he’s riding 6.7kg of svelte carbon fibre, scaling pyrenean cols and hanging with the pros. Imagine said work is sitting at a computer for 8 hours, the monotony broken only by watching the days stage and reading MFS. You want to be at the TdF, but you can’t, but it’s cool because there are two solid dudes who are, and they’re writing funny shit and taking sweet photos.

Now, imagine reading “blah, blah, blah”.

You’re looking at Jered Gruber, Kristof Ramon, Graham Watson… Phil Liggett. Legit professionals, doing legit TdF business. Maybe you see them and you think that what you do isn’t that important, that it’s not legit TdF business. Maybe you think that it doesn’t matter if you skimp on a stage, that you can pass it off as being chill and irreverent.

It DOES matter. It IS legit TdF business!

You guys are doing a good thing.

Maybe I’m way off the mark, maybe some real-life shit happened. If that’s the case then sorry, I hope it works out.

FROM: MICHAEL

hey dudes,

I have some comments/answers/thoughts on your poll. Here it goes.

two thumbs whenever possible, but for many reasons, 1 is all that’s available, and not always the faster one. Sometimes you have to get the tweets to the people, and that hashtag can’t wait for the other thumb to be available.
seeds, man
Ambulance-taxis seems like an incredible idea if it means what I think it means. If it is an ambulance available on demand outside the scope of the traditional 911 emergency structure, wherein anyone who just needs a ride to the hospital for a non-life-threatening reason can get one, I think that would be great especially in cities where people don’t drive often. Taking an ambulance adds up pretty fast if you don’t have good enough insurance and/or it was used for something the insurance decided wasn’t an emergency. I imagine this ambulance-taxi would be much cheaper and an appropriate solution for many.

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