Results for
2013 USA Pro Challenge

2013 USA Pro Challenge: Stage 06

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  • 7:15 AM: Packing up, we (Emiliano and I) notice that Klaus has brought a copy of Billy Ray Cyrus’ Hillbilly Heart with him to the USA Pro Cycling Challenge. We ask him why, he says, “So that I could read you passages from it during the longer transfers.”
  • 7:59 AM: By way of commencing my second Starbucks event of the morning I ask the barista how many shots she/they/Starbucks can put in a venti. “We can put up to 18 shots in a venti. The most I’ve ever done is 16. It’s not a good idea though. Also it’s expensive.”
  • 8:08 AM-10:25 AM (approx.): A Story and a List by Klaus Booya, excerpts from our two-plus hour Transfer/Road-trip from Beaver Creek, Colorado to Loveland, Colorado.

“Fat Hands”


“So like eight years ago or so I was in LA. I was walking around with my friend who lived there at the time, and a guy standing in front of a GAP gave us free tickets for the Jimmy Kimmel Show, which he said were “very hard to come by”, even though they were being given away to anyone that walked by the GAP. Anyway, we went to the taping, and after the show, they had a band, the musical guest for the night, play in this sort of club/bar space that is connected to the theater where they taped. So they make all the audience from the taping go in there, and we’re standing around waiting for this awful band to play. It was Taproot, or Static-Xor something. I have no idea what the band was. So I’m standing there, and on the other side of a velvet rope maybe a foot away from me, are Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman. They are at arm’s reach. The two of them were dating at the time. Sarah Silverman was standing in front of him, and he had his arms wrapped around her, like two high schoolers at a concert. The band hadn’t started yet, so it was really quiet in the room. The moment I saw them there, doing this weird hug thing, my reaction was to say the following thing, which I actually said out loud as a reflex.


Jimmy, get your fat hands off of her.

“I have no idea where it came from. It was like flinching if someone goes to punch you in the face or something, you can’t help it. It just came out. Jimmy kind of looked at me, and his face looked really squinty, like it usually does, sort of like a rotten plum that has been stepped on, and Sarah Silverman didn’t even look at me, which makes sense. I mean, I’m sure celebrities get stupid people saying stupid crap to them all the time, but this was just a weird outburst, like an instinct that I couldn’t help, and it surprised even me. I’m not particularly proud of it, but it happened. What can you do?”


A List of Some Songs and Music in General That Drummers Listen to Because of the Drumming, Moreso Than Because of the Songs Themselves


  1. Steely Dan – Aja: Seemingly simple, but actually complex while remaining very tasteful.
  2. Steely Dan – Home At Last: Perhaps the greatest example of the “Purdie Shuffle”, as invented and played by Bernard Purdie, perhaps the most recorded drummer in history.
  3. Toto – Rosanna: An interesting variation on the Purdie Shuffle, which actually contains the primary bass drum pattern from Led Zeppelin’s “Fool In The Rain”. The song features Jeff Porcaro on drums, who sadly died of a cocaine overdose while spraying insecticide on his back yard.
  4. Any Miles Davis recording with Tony Williams, because he was amazing, but also because he was like 12 years old at the time, and he was half the size of his own drumset.
  5. May God and the heavens above forgive me for saying this next one, but it’s true. And I know that this band has so many awful things about it, that it’s not worth even going into, but Dave Matthews Band – Tripping Billies. The song is an amazing example of an almost exclusive use of linear drumming, which is basically the percussive equivalent of pointillism. By that I mean that he doesn’t usually hit more than one thing at a time, it’s linear drumming. By the way, Carter Beauford, the drummer, often wears Specialized base layers when he plays drums. I don’t really know why. I’ve noticed this, because I own his instructional drumming video, which is called Under the Table and Drumming. It’s quality stuff. I have several instructional videos like that one on my iPad. Right now, on my video playlist are two different videos by Dave Weckl, who is amazingly talented, but is mostly known for playing music that sounds like something you’d hear in the background of a diaper commercial. But yeah, Dave Matthews Band? As a band, and their fans… Good God. They make you want to die for even knowing their music. There are so many awful aspects to their music, like when Dave Matthews goes, “Buda’ babyyy” in a high pitched voice. Ugh. But Carter Beauford’s drumming, man. You have to put aside the parts of the music you don’t like, and you focus on the drumming. It’s like enjoying a painting, but hating the subject matter or something. Like, you enjoy the way it looks, but it’s a painting of a butthole next to a bowl of popcorn. Just something that makes no sense to you at all.
  6. Best Young Drummer: Tony Royster Jr, who won the Guitar Center drum-off a few years ago. He plays with Jay-Z and En Vogue now. He’s superbly talented, and has the ability to play grooves, just play “in the pocket”, but can also handle complex time signatures, and can really go off too.
  7. Most Courageous Drummer: Maybe “courageous” is overselling it, but John Longstreth from the band Origin did some really amazing stuff on the band’s first record. In a way, he incorporated some subtleties and dynamics of fusion and jazz drumming in one of the fastest, densest death metal records ever, which oddly enough is completely devoid of dynamics. Look, by drumming standards, the stuff is somewhat simple, but at those speeds, it was a breath of fresh air.
  8. Funkiest Drumming Moment: Clearly, the obvious choice here would be anything that Clyde Stubblefield recorded with James Brown. But I’ll take a different and perhaps controversial approach here, and pick an unusual one. For me, it would have to be the drum introduction to the Kiss song “Torpedo Girl”, from the album Unmasked. The drummer on the record was Anton Figg, who now plays with David Letterman’s band. He’s from South Africa. Anyway, Peter Criss is listed as the drummer, and his face is on the cover, but it’s actually Anton Figg who plays that drum beat.


  • 10:59 AM: We are looking for the Arena Circle START of Stage Six of the USA Pro Cycling Challenge somewhere in The Ranch – Larimer Country Fairgrounds. We drive to where we think Media Parking and the Big Bicycle Tournament (BBT) are and but they aren’t. Something else is; a parking attendant explains. “See the guys in the kilts? That’s the Strongman Contest. Beyond that, where the tents are, that’s the Weight Lifting Competition  I think the bicycle race parking is way over there [the attendant points, roughly, to the other side of the Fairgrounds] but you can park in this overflow parking lot if you want. It’ll be little bit of walkin’ for you if you do. Otherwise go to the end of this street, do a U-ball and drive to the other side of the Fairgrounds.”
  • 10:59:30 AM: The start of the BBT is basically less than thirty minutes from now, which means we have barely enough time to do something/anything right over there and but if we skip the START, a variation of which START we’ve photographed the last five mornings, we have all kinds of time to do Something Right right here, right where we are.

The Scottish Highland Games


  • 11:15 AM: “This event is called Scottish Highland Games (aka ‘Strongman Contest’). Right now we are throwing the Heavy Weight, it’s 56 pounds. Next we’re going to throw the Light Weight, which is 28 pounds. That over there is the Sheaf Toss. Caber toss is the one where we toss the wooden pole [dude points to a stack of Telephone Poles]. In total we’ll do seven events. Right now, Brian Staggs is leading.”
  • 11:25 AM: “This is the Warrior Fit Challenge (aka ‘Weight Lifting Competition’). There are three disciplines  1) Dead-lifts, 2) Box-jumps and 3) Push-ups. Competitors have to do as many rounds as possible in ten minutes. There are four competitors per team—two women and two men. There is also an Individual Competition once The Team Competition is done.”
  • 11:37 AM: I’m not sure, this might be ironic. In order to properly photograph a competitor doing push-ups in the WFC I had to bend at the knees and squat-down and in the process I cramped-up and pulled my hamstring because I’m exceptionally sunburned and dehydrated after day six of a seven day UCI 2.HC Stage Race. Now it hurts to walk and my range of motion is considerably reduced.
  • 12:15 PM: We stop at One Love Smoke Shop in Loveland, Colorado to purchase tye-dye t-shirts because from the side of the road it looked like One Love was the kind of place that would sell tye-dye t-shirts, and in fact they did, an entire rack’s worth. The aforementioned rack was not organized or separated by size or gender. Emiliano finds the color and size he wants which is totally irie for him but before I can, I start to feel nauseous due to, I think, a combination of the elevation of Loveland, CO and the Patchouli x Nag Champa situation with which situation I am reaching my limit, plus we were in the middle of a BBT, and double-plus we were hungry for burritos (Ted, who just started working at One Love a week ago, recommends Daddy-O’s Green Onion Sandwiches across the street between the Safeway and El Cielo II Mexican Restaurant), and thirdly all the patterns/colors I like are dyed on maternity t-shirts, which I was mostly cool with but cap-sleeves are a no-no-no-no-no for men.
  • 12:30 PM: At the base of Big Thompson Canyon on the way up to the top of Devil’s Gulch, the last MOM of the 2013 USA Pro Cycling Challenge, we pass a barn on the side of which is written: GOD’S Country Cowboy Church (; later that night, as in right now, we go to the internet and find this: “Fran Goss, a woman who became a believer as a result of the Holy Spirit working through the ministry of Round Up in Glory, spoke of Deal [Greg Deal is the GCCC Pastor] and how the Gospel was communicated to her. ‘Greg, the pastor, totally talks into a language that I get and that I understand. It’s the cowboy way. It’s relaxing, and not cramming religion down your throat. They talk about God and what it is to believe Him in here,’ Goss said as she pointed to her heart. The gatherings in the Deals’ backyard became bigger and bigger. Then in 2009, about a year after they began, Stiner Caerlson generously allowed Round Up in Glory Cowboy Church to meet on his property in what used to be Caerlson’s dairy barn. Caerlson is but one of the individuals who was lead to Christ through his relationship with Deal. The space has been an immense blessing and a genuine refuge for fellowship in the valley of Horsetooth Mountain.”
  • 3:30 PM: After Devil’s Gulch MOM and fifteen-maybe-twenty minutes of tedious traffic on our way off the mountain, and thirty minutes of open road in the direction, finally, we think, of Fort Collins and the finish, we accidentally enter Rocky Mountain National Park. We strongly consider Elk and alpine views and whatnot, but our Soul is experiencing transmissional indigestion, shifting abruptly and at odd times, and we know we need to get with the BBT in earnest on account of missing the start and stuff.
  • 3:37 PM: Racing, windows down, through beyond-rural alpine cattle country when from a hollywood-looking ranch house way off the road and sat on a hill near the edge of a forest we hear Jimmy Hendrix’s Star Spangled Banner (the live version?!), loud and clear.
  • 3:42 PM: Colorado Highway Patrol – “Listen friend, you absolutely can’t drive on the eastbound 34, it’s closed to ALL traffic.” Manual for Speed – “Yeah we can friend, we have media credentials and the world’s smallest Media Sticker on our windshield so um, yeah.”
  • 4:37 PM: While walking back to our vehicle following the end of Stage 6 we ran into Mary Rumiano, The Volunteer. We said hello, she said hello, we happily stood there in uncomfortable silence waiting for what would happen next, she started to walk off, we followed and asked if we could interview her, she said no, however she did say that she would talk but “off the record,” and so we did. It was tense but cordial enough, parlay considering. She apologized for publicly shit-talking. We allowed that yes her job is thankless and difficult, and that whenever possible it makes sense for those of us even tangentially associated with the race to give Course Marshals the benefit of the doubt. We fist-bumped.
  • 4:45 PM: An interview at the Podium following the finish with Manual for Speed Race Correspondents and 2013 USA Pro Challenge Podium Girls, Candice & Courtney:


Courtney, “We are in Fort Collins, Colorado, my home town. I’m not telling you where I live, that’s creepy—we’re friends but I don’t want my address published! There is lots to do here. You can go on Brewery Tours, you can go hiking, you can go to the reservoir for boating, fishing and swimming. Today my highlight is being back home and seeing all my friends come out.”


Candice, “My highlight is being in Fort Collins because it’s where Courtney is from; she’s going to show me all the cool spots. I’ll meet some of her friends. Today, Tejay won the overall, Sagan won the stage. He’s been doing really well. And Matt Cooke is still in the MOM jersey, he’s holding on to that title. We chatted with him yesterday. We heard that he might bring his dog today, along with his wife. The fans today were great, and I’m sad about tomorrow being the last day. I’ve had the most fun I’ve had in a long time, and I got to see the best places in Colorado. For tomorrow, I’m excited about the champagne to be sprayed on stage. But if riders read this, please don’t spray us!!!!! We’ll celebrate with you, but don’t spray our hair!”


  • 5:30 PM: “No thanks I’m fine, I’ll just make my bed underneath the TV cabinet.” – Klaus Booya.
  • 8:00 PM: In a semi-crowded Ball Room in a Marriott in Fort Collins, Colorado, Andy Schleck sits at a round table, alone except for six other place settings, slowly eating a tiny pile of potato wedges one at a time off a large white plate.
  • 9:20 PM: The dent is in the center of the right quarter panel over the right front tire, the dent occurred when Emiliano casually leaned against the car to send a text in the early morning high-mountain sunlight somewhere in Routt County, Colorado. When the dent occurred, Emiliano maintains at least 86% of his body weight was 100% supported by conventional means, i.e. his feet were on the ground and though he was turn-out chillaxing, he was still essentially perpendicular to the ground.
  • 12:15 AM: In the middle of our third hour of Race Coverage Publishing Klaus offers, on my behalf, to open a bottle of Mexican Coca-Cola, purchased at a 7-11, along with five miniature bottles of Perrier sparkling water and two packages HARIBO Gold-Bears gummi candy, on the way home from Team Dinner earlier this evening, using the hole of the strike plate on the bathroom door door jamb of room 222 in the Comfort Inns Loveland, Colorado. Which bottle-action results in a loud sticky pop, which pop covers Klaus and myself in a luke warm soda pop mist.


Minus the Start, Because We Skipped It

“The race was awesome, we rode like 115 miles or something like that.” Wait, was it awesome, like really? “That was sarcasm. Like, sometimes you say something, but you mean the opposite. It’s called sarcasm.” Can you let us know when you’re sarcasm-ing? “Yeah, but that’s the nature of sarcasm, I’m not supposed to tell you. It was good today. We had two guys in the break, which was a part of our goal for the day. It was a hard-but-cool run into Fort Collins. Things split up, there were some crashes and I was in one of those back groups, which is fine, I’m not out there for the GC. You know, I guess you notice costumes, but then after you pass them you forget. It’s crazy how close we got to Boulder. Like we went right by it.” But not into Boulder, which is weird. Like, you guys could have gone in, gotten a burrito, and gone back out. “Right, because that’s what Boulder is known for. I mean, I don’t even like Boulder but it just seemed weird.”—Phil Gaimon
Hey Tom, is it weird when you crash, like you did today, and people come up to you at the finish, and start fetishizing over your blood, like taking pictures of it? Does that seem weird to you? “Nah, they want drama. I’m not too irritated right now, it’s fine.”
"We’ve been interviewing the Podium Girls every day, they’re our USA Pro Cycling Challenge Race Correspondents, we really like working with them, how about you? "“You want me to analyze the podium girls? Ummmm, [there is a long uncomfortable silence, awkward smiles are exchanged] yeah they’ve been awesome.”—Tejay van Garderen
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