Spring Classics Coverage Presented by Cannondale
What makes the Spring Classics so classic? Hmmm, could it be that the races travel through ancient and medieval European towns teeming with drunk David Guetta zombies? Is is it the unpredictable and vengeful weather conditions that torment the riders with flashes of sun, wind, rain, snow, and hail? Perhaps it’s the format of the races themselves, one-day winner-take-all affairs where winning means putting everything you have have on the line? Yes, yes, yes—and more. These races are the equivalent of knife fighting over an open grave or biting off your own tongue out of spite. These are scratching, clawing, blood, sweat, and tears affairs. You fail, your bike fails, the weather fails and it’s over, it’s an entire year before you get another chance. All this means that these races present the opportunity for a truly transformative experience, a platform for the uncanny and the beautiful. And then there’s the Cobble Goblins.
What’s a Cobble Goblin? What are we talking about? Great questions, we’re glad you asked. Okay so, in order to properly consume our Campaign Coverage you need to fully comprehend all the relevant terminology, the three most crucial of which being, of course: Cobble Goblins, Cobble Gobblers and Cobble a-Gobblin’.
- Cobble Goblins: At first glance they look like regular cobbles, you know pavé, your basic road-like surface made up of brick-shaped rocks. But look more closely and you’ll notice that some of the cobbles are animate, that’s right, they’re alive. You can easily identity which ones are which because the living ones have legs, arms and teeth. Also they worship the devil. They’re committed to destruction. And serving, generally speaking, to bring a biblical-like form of doom and havoc upon the peloton. Mostly it’s basic stuff like flat tires, wrecked wheels, crashes, etc. But sometimes it gets more intense.
- Cobble Gobblers: Those Professional Cyclists who dominate the cobbles. The riders that tear them up, heroes who literally eat the cobbles up.
- Cobble a-Gobblin’: A.) The act of eating up the cobbles, e.g. “Hey Dude, did you happen to watch the Tour of Flanders yesterday? Yeah, it was insane, Peter Sagan did some serious cobble gobblin’.” B.) Spectating a Spring Classics bike race, e.g. “Hey Dude, what are you doing Sunday? Yannick and I are headed up to the Mur De Huy to do some cobble gobblin.”